Thursday, 13 November 2014

Balkan Dreams

I'm back and my key isn't orking, so e could be here for a hile. 

I could copy and paste w to the front of all those words, like I'm doing now, but I think for (the admittedly small) comedy value I will leave them as they are.

There are a lot of bloody w's in the English language, aren't there? Maybe it would be quicker to type double-u instead of copying and pasting each time... It is! But double-uould that be extremely hard to read?


Oh my god. I am such an idiot. why don't I just write the whole blog post (how many ws??) first, then go back when I've finished and add the ws? Don't expect any capital ws though...


Yes, I'm stalling for time.

I don't even know where to begin catching up (in my head I sounded like Audrey Hepburn then), so I will start with some notes I jotted dowwith the intention of blogging about them.

new TV- distration directly into brain

taking away everybody's fingerprints to stop identity theft

Hmm, I don't think they where things to blog about, I think they were actually just my ideas for sci-fi short stories set fifty years from now/predictions for the future that will come true. Maybe I should write them all down here so that when they come true I can wave them about and bathe in my glorious correctness. After all, I predicted the see-through toaster and the rising popularity of cloaks - I clearly have a gift for knowing which way the wind is blowing... 

Here are some other forecasts that will probably come to pass tomorrow or if not maybe next Sunday:

1) More and more western girls will sell their virginity on ebay, until a neweb site comes out called Vbay. It will become a right of passage and girls who don't save their virginity will be unable to pay their way through university. (I think we're all glad I never sat down and tried to stretch these two sentences into a short story.)

2) There will be bouncy castles with goldfish swimming in them, or maybe tropical sea creatures. (I told this to Lauren when we were about 19 and to be honest, I'm not sure I still wholeheartedly believe it will come true.)

3) There will be a Twitter for thoughts, where you publish ThoughtStreamz and people can listen to them in their heads.

4) Hipsters will start making their own chocolate in some kind of warehouse, from cocoa beans grown in the Forest of Dean.

Ok. The other things I've jotted do
wn are:

Darlington, don't want to go to Darlington - I think this is pretty self-explanatory.

Russell Brand, rich irrelevant, rich people no problems but shouldn't mess in other's affairs - I think I wrote this after reading an interviewith Russell Brand I read where he told people not to pay their mortgage or their council tax... NICE ONE DICKHEAD. 

what did he say that for?? People who don't pay their mortgage or their council tax end up in a lot of debt and a lot of trouble and on the streets. I know Russell Brand used to be a heroin addict and probably lived in scummy housing, but he doesn't anymore. It's like telling people to jump off a cliff into the sea and abseiling along next to them, safely locked in. 

I have nothing against the Super Rich, but it's not appropriate for them to become involved in the lives of the Very Poor, anymore than it is appropriate for a man from Blackpool called Mad Snookerball Gazza to receive the Iranian ambassador at Buckingham Palace - he just wouldn't know what to do, his skill set lies elsewhere.

Blog: Balkan Beats - wanted to write about this because it was the funnest night ever, but almost too fun. we actually had to leave too early as we were exhausted from throwing ourselves around like wild things. (Claire actually told me to stop dancing at one point, because she said my hair as all over the place and my eyeliner was all over my face and I was dancing like an insane person.) It as seriously the best music night I've been to for ages. They played the balkan beats verson of Hava Nagila and me Claire and Jen crossed our arms like a chair for B to sit on and then we threw her up and down like she as a Jewish bride.

I'll leave you with it now but I must warn you - it's an acquired taste. I put it on in the office last week and absolutely everyone hated it apart from one French, who asked me who the DJ was because he said it's his favourite genre of music.

Before I go, let me remind myself of what's left to talk about:

My nana is on the mend (she's allowed to eat and drink now, almost two months earlier than they originally said)...

Kate Bush...


and The Best Dream I Ever Had In My Life.

They say other people's dreams are boring (not for me, I'd like to add) but this blog is, after all, just a personal record of my self-absorbed life and I need to remember that dream - all day I was mooning about it - so I might as well sum it up here, while I remember.

It was the kind of dream I would write if they invented a technology for us to program our own dream: a cross between a chase dream;  the recurring dream I have here every country in the world is in one small place along one coastline; Blade Runner; Memories of Matsuko; and a romantic costume drama. There was so much detail - the pretty futuristic city by the sea, 

I remember looking at myself dreaming from somewhere deep inside my mind and telling myself not to forget all the detail when I woke up. There were different areas of the city,with different architecture and a different atmosphere - from the crumbling old town to the slick black business district. There were flying cars and pastel buildings and towers in the sea not far from the coast, huge open windows, leading into spacious studios with conveyor belts and giant mattresses inside, everything pink and yellow... It's sounding a bit like Mr Blobby meets the Terminator but it was nothing like that...

Sorry, I know other people's dreams are boring. You can have a dance now.

PS. Guess who's shares are down by 38%? American Apparel. Their sales of offensively-advertised shit have gone down and they've "recorded the biggest loss in 4 years". Amy will be pleased to hear that, all the way in Australia! I can't remember the site I got these figures from, but that's the internet for you - untrustworthy as ever (Google it if want to see for yourself).


  1. I am very happy to hear that. Karma, dreadful people, dreadful company. I am also very happy you're blogging again. Don't leave it so long next time. Lets plan our Paris reunion ASAP and get ready for a tres snazz time.