Sometimes when you ask a question, you don't get the answer you were looking for.
After four months friends starting asking me if I was on The Boyfriend Train and I definitely was not, but I did start to wonder if I should just check what was going on as the general consensus seemed to be that four months is quite a long time to see someone and never once mention whether things are moving in a particular direction or even if they are going anywhere at all.
I KNOW it's not good to do things just because your friends are urging you to, but it wasn't like that at all. I need help with emotional things because I don't think I have the same emotions as everyone else. I feel as if my emotional range does't extend further than VERY HAPPY, sad, VERY ANGRY, bored.
Actually, I think most people are the same. We create more complicated emotions by mixing and matching the ones we really feel. For example:
sad + bored = sorry
Being sad is really the same as being sorry, isn't it? And when you've made a mistake and you've said sorry and you're still expected to feel sad... it's boring.
Some other combinations are:
VERY ANGRY + sad = jealous
VERY ANGRY + bored = frustrated
bored + sad = lonely
VERY HAPPY = excited
VERY HAPPY + VERY ANGRY = nervous
VERY HAPPY = love + bored + VERY ANGRY = sad
VERY HAPPY + sad + VERY ANGRY + bored = drunk
Anyway. The point is that after talking to my friends I decided that I wanted to have a little chat. At first I wasn't sure if I even needed to have a chat, after all what would I say? What did I want? Then on New Year's Day, while The Person cooked lunch in the kitchen, I sat on his couch watching The Sound of Music. The song 'Climb Every Mountain' made me cry, because I was just thinking you CAN'T climb every mountain and you CAN'T ford every stream or follow every rainbow. Sometimes you just stay where you are, sitting on the sofa or stood in the shadows or, as I like to visualise my move back to England when I'm feeling particularly melancholy, settling down into a dark, damp cardboard box and folding the flaps closed over your head.
To be honest I was quite hungover and I was dreading going to work later on, but I think there might have been another reason why I was sad. And so I finally realised that yes, I might be wondering and there might be a question forming on my lips.
I organised a time and place. As the date grew closer, I felt as if the end was drawing near. Did I really need to have the chat? I didn't know if I was just bringing up the conversation to start some drama. But then I did have a serious question, was it ok if I started seeing other people as well? Would it make him sad or VERY ANGRY? Or would he not be arsed in the slightest?
Suddenly I felt as if I might actually be standing in the Boyfriend Train Station, not exactly holding a ticket for the Boyfriend Train but in the queue for the ticket office, where I could at least make an inquiry.
So I made the inquiry.
And the walls of the train station fell down around me like the painted backdrops in an old film studio.
Turns out I wasn't stood at the Boyfriend Train Station, I was in fact stood in Casual Car Park. Apparently it is very 'breezy' and 'fun' but it's the end of the line.
I can do casual. I am all for hopping on the back of somebody's Casual Sex Motorbike and roaring through sweet little villages, having a great time, knowing that you can squeeze his waist anytime to let him you want to stop and get off (good god I am going to town with this analogy!) or, if you're the one who's driving, you can pull over, pat him on the bum and ride off alone into the sunset, possibly taking the #LAD Highway or Route Sexy Sex. JUST MAKE SURE THEY ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET.
But I didn't know we were on the Casual Sex Motorbike! Normally you don't stop the bike to go for drinks and dinner and to the cinema and for lunch. He doesn't drive the motorbike to social events, park it up and introduce you to friends, work colleagues and cousins.
That is why I was confused.
I realised that I wasn't at the station, I was never getting on the Boyfriend Train. We'd been riding around Casual Car Park, on a rickety Tandem of Intimacy. It was quite cosy on that old bicycle for two and I did wonder if I'd done the right thing getting off, but once we'd had 'the chat' I felt really sad and that's not good, is it?
He seemed to feel quite pleased with the whole thing. Not only was I not stood at the train station, but I was stood alone. Then, I heard his voice calling me from up high.
I looked up to see him circling the Casual Car Park in a massive BULLSHIT HELICOPTER and he was shouting down to me above the noise of the propellers:
"I'll text you next week, we'll go for drinks, or we'll go for dinner."
I said, "I don't think you should."
That was two days ago and since then I have felt mostly sad + bored and sometimes VERY ANGRY. But now it's all ebbing away to nothing and I am trying not to think about it too much. I am definitely not getting on the fucking Tandem of Intimacy again though, I don't even really know what it is and I certainly did not agree to get on it. As for the Casual Car Park... I might rip through it on my Motorbike, but I won't be dilly-dallying around in it.
Guess what else.
As of Friday I will be taking my place in the Cat Caravan! My friend Chloe (who used to au pair for the family I worked for) has to move and can't take her cat with her, so I have agreed to foster him for as long as I can.
YES!! I will have a little cat to stroke and scratch! I am slightly worried as our garden is where all the neighbourhood cats meet to fight, I have actually gone out there and broken up a few scraps. They won't take kindly to a cat moving in on their neutral territory but if anyone has a problem with it, they can see me.
I've got half an hour left before work. This will fill the time nicely:
P.S. Just thought of another genuine feeling! Embarrassment. There's no other feeling like being embarrassed.