Monday, 30 September 2013

Big, Brave Brows

I've burnt my mouth on a sausage. Now the roof of my mouth is going to burn when I sip hot tea. In other news...

I've got a job in a pub and I start tomorrow.

Last weekend I met up with my cousin Sophie and her boyfriend Dan in the West End. My cousin's boyfriend used to work in a pub round there and when I mentioned that I was still looking for work, he suggested we go in and say hello to his old manager. As it happens a girl had handed her notice in that day so the manager said I could have a job.


The manager seems really lovely. She basically hired me because I know Dan. It was good timing. I can't believe it's taken me this long to get a job. I was starting to do that thing where I have nothing to do and I don't know what to do about it so I just sleep in really late, then I wake up and just lie in bed, wishing I was still asleep. Then when night comes I'm wide awake, thinking what the fuck are you doing what the fuck are you doing.

Sometimes I feel as if things are slowly working out for me and everything is going to be fine. At other times I have this horrible feeling that actually things are going from bad to worse. If it wasn't for my very nice friends I wouldn't be able to live in London at all, unless I wanted to be homeless.

A few nights ago when I was flyering, a man selling the Big Issue came and stood next to me."I feel sorry for you love," he said, "I wouldn't want to do your job tonight."

Then we got talking and it transpires that he actually does flyering regularly, for a big company called The Flying Squad.

"I could get rid of them like hot cakes," he said, pointing at my flyers.

He started to tell me how I needed to be 'bouncy', to cheer up the miserable commuters. His top tip is to have a few drinks before work to 'loosen the lips', which is actually a really good idea, as long as you just had one or two. I started to think that maybe this guy could actually teach me how to be a Top Notch Flyerer- most people were rushing past, shaking their heads at me before I'd even reached out to them with a flyer.

The Big Issue Man wished me good luck and then found a space to start working. I watched him with interest, to see what slick flyering techniques he was about to whip out. A woman in an electric blue dress walked past.

"BLUE BLUE PEEKABOO!" he yelled, chasing after her.

I don't know why there were so many women wearing blue that evening, but I saw him chase after people yelling BLUE BLUE PEEKABOO about four times. One of the women actually bought a Big Issue, so I guess it paid off, but I'm just not sure if that sales technique is for me.

Anyway. Pub job tomorrow! And between you and me... I have a third date. Although, the second date- a drinks at The Book Club in Shoreditch- ran into lunch the following day, so maybe it's a fourth date? Sigh. I tried to be old fashioned and chaste, just to see what it was like, but... you know.

As money is a bit tight at the minute, I can't actually indulge myself but for any of my fellow eyebrow enthusiasts reading, you need to buy Brow Zings by Benefit. Before I left Manchester I went in and asked the sales lady to put it on for me- my eyebrows looked like two beautiful hairy sisters (remember: 'Sisters, Not Twins'). Unfortunately I couldn't actually buy the product because people without jobs don't deserve nice eyebrows. But when I get paid... I will have the BEST BROWS MONEY CAN BUY. For now I've got a cheap brow pencil from Rimmel and I can actually hear my eyebrows weeping as I drag it across their sparse, dark arches. Mummy's doing the best she can! This is just while mummy gets back on her feet, ok? Don't cry, mummy needs you to be big, brave brows, just until everything gets sorted, ok?

Am I becoming a danger to myself and others?


  1. That last paragraph about your eye brows is the best thing I've read all week.

    Also, congrats on the job...and the guy ;)

    1. Noooo don't say congrats on the boy it has only been a couple of dates. Oh God. Can't remember if I told him what my blog is called... Let's just say congratulations to me for seeing a date through and it not being cancelled!

  2. Oo can I come and visit your pub? I am just a creepy stalker but you are friends with my mum!,kind of. :-)

    1. Ha! Am I? Who's your mum?

    2. gwanmum! I suppose I'm gwansis!

    3. Ha! A whole family of Left Bank Manc readers? Do you live in London?

    4. Omg my sister's in too! If we lived in the same countries we's have to all sit round gossiping about you ;)

      PS almost spat cider on my phone at the blue blue peekaboo technique. You should give it a whirl!

    5. Ha you should have seen him in action, I might try it next time if I have a couple of drinks before I start... I can't believe so many people in one family read my blog!