Sunday, 5 May 2013

Paris Forever... Probably.

As the sun sets on another weekend in Paris, I'm struggling to answer the same question that troubles me every week:

Can I be arsed trekking to the shop for chocolate biscuits?

Like most existential dilemmas, there is no definite answer... but as I have no intention of leaving my Cinderella Room and there aren't many shops open at this time on a Sunday, we can deduce that there probably almost certainly won't be any chocolate biscuits on the menu tonight.

It's times like these I wish Dial-A-Tramp was up and running. Me and Kayt came up with the idea one Saturday afternoon when we were hungover and leaning out of the window, looking at homeless people on the street down below... We discussed rigging up some sort of pulley system which would enable us to pass money down to them, then the homeless people could go to the bakery for us and pass the goods up to us...

Now whenever I'm at home, hungover and hungry, I imagine calling up Dial-A-Tramp (I know it's a provocative name but it would generate publicity and gosh, it would really capture people's imaginations wouldn't it?)- "We've got Friendly Fabien or Violent Vincent in your area at the moment, do you have any preference?"- and then lowering the Goods and Cash Basket, which would be issued free to all registered members.

Kayt actually told someone about our business plan and he said it could work if we used young boys instead of homeless people. You know, the job would be akin to Paper Boy or Car Washer.

I'm not sure what kind of clientele 'Dial-A-Young-Boy' would attract, however.

'Dial-A-Tramp' sounds really offensive but I think the homeless people would get a good deal- we'd pay them a monthly salary, on top of which they'd probably get to keep the change and people might stick an extra baguette on to their order for the homeless person to keep.

Nobody steal our idea!! We will probably pitch it on Dragons' Den.

Anyway, after all my moaning and worrying, I've actually had a really nice weekend and feel all happy about Paris again.

(What's French for fickle?)

On Friday night I did indeed get drunk on my own as promised, in bed with Chinese food, but it was a stupid idea because G.Shore and his visiting Lady Friend Megan asked me out for drinks and I couldn't go because I was already drunk and wearing pyjamas.

G.Shore originally said that me and Kayt weren't allowed 'anywhere near' Megan but he changed his mind and we all went for drinks on Wednesday (we went to Earth's Kitchen, where cocktails are two euros for girls on a Wednesday). Then when G.Shore was at work on Thursday, we took Megan to the Rose Bakery for lunch and on Friday I met up with Megan for an afternoon walk around the Marais... I think meeting us was probably the highlight of her trip.

Girls are so nice, aren't they?

On Saturday I went to my au pair job and played imaginary crocodiles with the toddler for a bit. Now he is a bit older we can play really good games like the ones I used to play with the five year old of my old au pair family. The toddler isn't quite ready for Invisible Monsters and Dragon Babies, but we have a really good 'bit' where we've just finished fighting off the crocodiles and are congratulating ourselves (chanting 'On a gagné! On a gagné!) and I ask him if the crocodiles are all gone. He says yes, I can go swimming. I ask him if he's sure the crocodiles are gone and he promises me it's safe to go swimming, so I jump off our boat into the water and- would you fucking believe it- I've barely time to do a width of the lagoon when the crocodiles come back and I have to hurl myself back onto the boat, screaming.

After my au pair job I went to Oysho to try on a lovely swimming costume but it was too small and I couldn't face getting the next size up. (It's that Chinese traiteur! They put something addictive in the nem!) I don't know if I'll need to wear a swimming costume this week when I'm on holiday with the family, but the girls are so judgmental that I don't know if I can face them in my bikini. I know that sounds ridiculous because they are twelve and ten years old, but... ok, no. That's just ridiculous- if it's hot enough I'll wear my bikini and I'll eat bread all day so my belly sticks out like a round drum and they can just deal with it. I might not shave my legs and armpits either, just to annoy them.

I can't believe nobody can come with me, what a wasted opportunity! It would have been really fun with a friend and I bet now I'm going alone the au pair family will make me work more hours, because they'll know I have nothing better to do.

Positive thinking, positive thinking...

Last night I went to a party with Julia, in this apartment that used to be a brothel. You go through huge doors off the street, expecting to find a cobbled passage that leads to an apartment building, but instead of apartments there's a little house sitting in the courtyard all on its own, with circular windows and neon lights flashing from within. Inside, the high walls are covered in mirrors and there's chandeliers, an old piano, a sofa and not much else. One of the boys who lives there told me they have to get on a ladder to clean the walls with glass spray every week.

The mirrors, chandeliers and the piano are leftover from when the building used to be a maison close. The three boys that live there found it on the internet and had to do all the work themselves- they put a new floor in, got rid of the rats and- I didn't fully understand this last part- threw away something that had a massive penis and used to lurk under the piano...

Today we intended to go for brunch, but didn't meet up until 5pm by which time all of the brunch hotspots we wanted to try had stopped serving. We were so hungry that we ended up just slumping down outside a random cafe near Place de Vosges where we each had an ok but over-priced salad.

After Place de Vosges Julia had to pick up some stuff from Belleville- she's doing an internship at the moment for a street art project. The place where she is doing her internship is amazing! We went through a door off the street, down a long corridor and across a playground decorated with colourful murals. Then Julia opened a door which I thought would lead into an apartment but it opened into a beautiful courtyard filled with trees and plants! There's a big shipment container/Portakabin thing split into artists workshops and one of them is Julia's office, filled with books, art materials and half-painted canvases.

We went for a drink at Aux Folies and the sun was really hot on my face, aaah. Julia told me she is moving in with two friends next year and they really want to live in the twentieth. She said if I stay in Paris they can look for an apartment for four people.

I'm tempted... I told you, it's May! May makes me stay. The weather is nice and I know I have to make a decision and I always end up staying in Paris...

Obviously if I stayed I couldn't be an au pair again, I would have to get a Real Job and a Real Life.

I don't know. On Friday my mum was rushed to hospital because she has an infection but they don't know where it is. I don't know whether to be worried or not but I really wish I could be in England right now. I do miss my family and friends back in England. Is it time to go home?

My mum's feeling better but has to stay in hospital for a few more days. It's weird because I'll be in London next weekend for my audition.

Really can't be arsed going to the seaside with the au pair family tomorrow. I wish I could go home instead, I've not seen my mum for ages.

Also, realised the other day I missed my dad's birthday, it was in April. I've not spoke to him since Christmas and I felt a bit bad, so I sent my nana an email asking her how my dad was. At Christmas his girlfriend moved back to the North East and took their three kids with her... awkward. They live in council accommodation and at the moment the UK are bringing in this thing called Spare Room Tax where anyone in a council house who has a spare room has to move or pay a lot of money. Anyway, my nana got my dad to email me back from her email address (he doesn't have a computer which is why it's hard to keep in touch with him) and he said:

it's dad. don't worry about me because i am pure of heart. i may LBM have to downsize though. i am currently employed in the shadow economy as a foreigner. would love to see you before i move. love you LBM xxxx

Hmm. What is he talking about, exactly?

Like the chocolate biscuit dilemma previously mentioned, I feel there can be no definite answer to this question.

Ok I should go to bed now so I can get up early and pack for my holiday to the seaside... the holiday I am going on ALONE.

P.S Just found an orange. Maybe if I eat it while sniffing my bottle of chocolate syrup (it's for coffee, it's not made of real chocolate otherwise I would drink it, obviously) I can pretend it's a spherical, juicy chocolate biscuit...



    I want to be in our holiday flat called 'Children's Corner', drinking big fuck off bottles of rosé that work gave me and sleeping 'til midday whilst you're looking after a child and then awake for gauffres. IT'S NOT FAIR.

    Olive x

    1. Oh it won't be the saaaaame on my own! This time if I get drunk and go in the sea and cut my foot and leave a trail of blood all the way home... will probs just die. Can't you get the ferry over? Pleeease? x

  2. Who's going to clean your blood trail up with a shitty old rag and a bit of stick?!
    I literally would have come if you were going next week, I have the car down here.

    1. I'm in our little studio now, on me own, drinking wine and wishing I was the type of person that could go jogging along the beach...