The disappearance of Jesus Prawn (suspected name: Houdini Prawn) was a false alarm- yesterday I discovered him crouching in a corner again, looking like a two-headed, twelve-legged freak. As a certified Prawn Expert I now recognise when Jesus Prawn is shedding his skin. It is a painfully slow process. I watched him for about ten minutes until the nine year old started shaking me: 'Stop looking to my prawn and play with me! Stop looking to my prawwwn!'
Why does he need to shed his skin so often? Why does he always do it after a suspicious absence?
Jesus Prawn is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma... surrounded by an old layer of skin.
I keep trying to take a photo of Jesus Prawn (to silence the non-believers who, at this very moment, are gathering in the streets and renouncing the crustacean messiah) but the camera on my Blackberry is shit- it only manages to capture his beady little eyes poking out of a grey, bubbly blur.
Enough about Jesus Prawn. I'm going to tell you something that I have been withholding from you, for fear that the au pair family had discovered my blog and were sneakily reading it, preying on the innermost thoughts of their odd au pair without her knowledge.
Well, if they have discovered my blog, they're pretending that they haven't, so I'll pretend as well. (I don't have any basis for thinking they have found my blog, by the way, apart from the fact that the dad sang Mr Bombastic at me last summer, after I said on here that it was my favourite song...)
What I'm about to tell you happened a couple of months ago and it was so outrageous that I can't believe I haven't told you.
One night, just as I was about to go home, I was saying goodbye to the nine year old and her dad when the eleven year old walked past. The dad called her over because he wanted 'to see something.' He told the two of us to stand back to back, then he laughed and said that the eleven year old was taller than me.
I hammed it up for the girls, making them laugh by pulling an over-the-top sulky face, but secretly I was actually a bit gutted- I've never thought of myself as being 'short' and yet this eleven year old, who I wouldn't describe as being above the average height for her age, is taller than me.
The dad joined in the laughter and said:
"My eleven year old daughter is the same height as you!"
Then, like a sniper in the night, he quipped:
"She has the same size boobs, too."
BANG. Cut down by a bullet you never saw coming.
The girls laughed so I laughed too. I made a lame joke about leaving and then I actually turned around and left, because I'd been about to leave anyway.
What is the normal reaction to a thing like that?