Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Jesus Prawn

I didn't realise how weird this was until I mentioned it on Twitter and received some flabbergasted* responses. My tweet was something along the lines of:

'The family had a pet prawn and it died, then it rose from the dead one day later.'

He (or she, I don't know how to tell with prawns) is just like Jesus, except he came back to life a lot quicker. No need to mess about really, what was Jesus doing for those three days, wasn't he just strolling around, appearing on deserted roads and stuff? I'm actually going to Google the 'Easter Story' now and I went to a Catholic school.

Oh, it looks like Jesus actually had a few laughs after he rose from the dead- he pretended to be a gardener and then he pretended to be a fisherman to his mates. Then he magicked them loads of fish and they all went out for a meal. Lolz Jesus, what are you like, eh?

But what was he doing before he rose from the dead? Was he really dead, or was he never really dead? Was he just lying there for three days, thinking of all the practical jokes he could play on his pals?

Anyway, the point is, Jesus Prawn did nothing as elaborate, mainly because, I suspect, he has no pals. He lives with two snails but I'm pretty sure they don't talk to him. They didn't look very sad when he died anyway.

Let me start at the beginning- the little girl told me on Monday that she has a pet prawn. She tried to point it out to me but we couldn't see it. It was a very small tank and I was beginning to think it was some sort of Houdini Prawn, but then I noticed a translucent grey thing, poking out of the water purifier or whatever it is (an important-looking plastic thing that whirrs and makes bubbles) and flapping about. I didn't want to tell the little girl, but it looked like Houdini Prawn had been sucked into the water purifier thing and was being mangled to death. I decided to tell her anyway, in case we could rescue him.

"It's not real what you say!" said the girl. (Not in a distraught,  'I won't believe you, it simply cannot be true!' self-denial kind of way, but in a blunt, 'Don't be an idiot' kind of way.)

I decided not to press the matter.

Then yesterday night, Houdini Prawn was back in the tank, crouching in the corner as if nothing had happened, although he did look a bit odd, like he was folded in half.

"I have a big problem with my prawn!" the little girl started yelling.

I just rolled my eyes and told her not to be so dramatic, but the mum came rushing in and started poking the prawn with a stick. She dislodged him from between two pink stones and he floated to the top of the tank in a way that was both graceful and dead.

My theory was that Houdini Prawn had indeed been mangled in the water purifier (an escape trick gone wrong perhaps, trying to win the snails over?), but had managed to heroically drag his wrecked, tortured body out of there and on to the pink stones, where he had died with dignity and in view of the plastic log he loved so much. I bet the two snails just rolled their eyes and carried on sliding up the glass walls... Drama Queen to the last. What a bloody show-off, always wiggling those little legs about.

Well. So far, so normal- just another minuscule libretto in the grand opera of life.

But guess what.

Today the little girl suddenly screamed, "My prawn is alive! My prawn is ALIVE!"

I hurried to look and there he was, the jammy bastard, wiggling about looking all healthy and casual. He looked shinier and a bit more streamlined.

Then I saw another prawn stuck to the outside of the water purifier, dead and flip-flapping about in a stream of bubbles. This one looked much more like the weird, folded-up prawn from yesterday. Me and the little girl started yelling at the same time.

"He has risen!"
"He is alive and he made another prawn and now I have two prawns!"

I'll let you guess who said which theory.

Suddenly I had a brainwave:

"He's shed his skin! Like a snake!"

I fished out the old prawn with a fork and sure enough, it was an empty prawn shell, obviously put there by Jesus Prawn to discredit himself, to keep the world media at bay while he gets on with the really important jobs his dad has asked him to do. (Cleaning algae off the stones, cleaning algae off the glass walls, neutralising the world's nuclear weapons e.t.c)

The biggest question raised by this whole incident is:

Why do the au pair family have a pet prawn?

*I don't think I've used the word 'flabbergasted' since I was seven years old, I feel like I am trying to think of a Big Word to put in my Year 4 story:
"Let's go in that big cave!" Rebecca shouted loudly and excitedly.
The two happy girls ran quickly into the dark, gloomy cave and to their big surprise they saw a huge, scary lion! "Argh a lion!" screamed Jade in a shocked and terrified voice, "I am flabbergasted!"

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