Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Exploding Kittens

I need to finish blogging about Ibiza, right now, because the memories are slipping away from me already and if I leave it any longer all I'll have to say about the entire week is: 'It was hot and the villa was nice.'

It was hot and the villa was nice but there's so much more to say... at least I know that there must be more to say but I can't think of anything right now. Instead of chronicling the holiday day to day like I started doing in the last post, I might have to just randomly throw images and sounds together as they come into my head.

The cats! I've just remembered there were three kittens and a mummy cat that came crying to the walls of our villa one day. We had a huge pan of rice left over from tea (it had been kept warm in the hot evening air and so we didn't want to risk reheating it another day- I wasn't being wasteful, honestly Sir) which we decided to chuck down- we balled the rice up in our hands and threw the clumps, not the metal pan- for the kittens. There are always stray cats on holiday, aren't there? I think my destiny is to move to one of these sunny, touristy islands and set up a huge sanctuary for cats. I could sunbathe all day until my skin goes a lovely, leathery mahogany, and in the evenings I could put out food for the hundreds of little cats that would gather around me, and I could stroke all of them and pick them up and rub them all over me and I could lie on the ground and they'd lie on my stomach and my legs and maybe one would curl up in my hair and I'd just be COVERED IN CATS as well as being really, ridiculously tanned.

One day. One day...

Do you know what? I was a bit worried that maybe kittens aren't supposed to eat rice, in case they react like pigeons and it expands in their little bellies, making them explode. The mummy cat wouldn't touch the rice and for the rest of the holiday we only saw her, not the kittens. (I saw her sneak into the villa when everybody else was getting ready in their rooms, so I secretly gave her a piece of chorizo and squinted at her, which as all true cat-lovers know, means you want to be friends in Cat Language*.) Oh my God- what if we killed the little kittens? What if they exploded?

No. I won't believe it. I'm just going to look on Google to appease my guilt.

Five minutes later

Erm. There seems to be a lot of people wanting to know if rice will make a cat's stomach explode, but not many people who know how to answer such a question. From what I can gather, cats can eat rice but it won't give them any nutrition. Oh! It says too much rice can give them constipation and bloating. I feel really bad now. Why did I start talking about those kittens?
Shit! Now I don't have time to talk about Ibiza! Tomorrow or tonight. I need to get an early night tonight though as tomorrow morning I am flyering again and I CANNOT be late. I've already got lost virtually on Google Maps, so hopefully tomorrow I'll be fine. I'm going to set off an hour before I really need to, just to make sure...

Today I had another phone call from someone who wants private lessons after Anabelle told them 'all about me'. What exactly is she telling people about me? I'm not even sure if this shaky schedule I'm creating for myself is going to work. I'm scared everything is about to blow up in my face. It's Karma for making those kittens bloated and constipated.

*If you don't believe me, try it with a cat next time you make eye contact- after a while they will squint back at you. Unless they're a rude dickhead type of cat, in which case don't bother with them.


  1. I haven't even read the new post yet, but I will say, I'm about to have a heart attack! You changed the LBM banner photo! Ahhh! Will you change the blog's name next? Just wondering...


    1. Oh no! Don't you like it? Do you think the other one was better? Do you think I should change it back?? Honestly tell me!

    2. Honestly, I liked the other one better. This one is quite blurry et trop morose...and I kind of like sad things, mais pas cela. The other banner was reminiscent of a mystical, faraway place where anything beautiful has the potential to happen- kind of like looking up into the sky after finally realizing that the sun came up while you were walking home after an incredible night / morning out on the Parisian town, because you were too busy going over the flirty, secret, fun things you did in your head. But, change is always good...I guess.


    3. Yeah I wasn't sure if the blurry-ness looked vague and had a vintage quality to it, or if it just looks crap... The font on the other one annyoed me though. I might change it back and then decide how I feel... Thanks!