Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Champagne Charlie- My Birthday: Part 2

I'm at the family's house. The mum told me last night that she needed me today from 1.30pm to 7pm, to look after the toddler. I thought I wasn't working at all today...


I'm kind of annoyed, because today is Danish Girl's last day at the resto and me and Mez are going to dress up as hip hop superstars and perform a rap we've written for her, and I wanted to spend all day practicing and getting drunk...

But it's not so bad, I suppose. When I got here the nanny had already put him down for his nap and hopefully he won't wake up until 4pm, so I can get some blogging in.

Once again, I've left it far too long! (Exclamation marks make me cringe a bit, I try not to use them at all if I can help it. I promise that will be the only exclamation mark you see in this post.)

First I need to finish blogging about my birthday, before too much time goes by and it becomes another one of those Things That I Never Finish Writing About...

So, last time I got up to the point where me, Kayt and Olivia were drinking kirs and sharing a planche of meat and cheese, by this time it was about 6.30pm. Kayt had to go to work- she was babysitting until 1am and couldn't get out of it, but she had a ticket for Reverie and was going to come afterwards- and me and Olivia needed to get ready, so I went home to get my make-up and clothes.

I can't BELIEVE that I planned my outfit for my Birthday Night Out for so long: getting all excited about finding a new dress and doing really extravagant hair and make-up with sequins and feathers and stuff; and in the end I got home and just grabbed the first things I could get my hands on.

Luckily for me, I managed to grab my ballet-pink, tulle skirt, a black vest top and two pairs of shoes to try. I say luckily because, what with me being in such a rush to get back to Olivia's and feeling the teeniest bit light-headed once I got off the metro, plus the fact that my room was a disgusting hovel of messiness; I'm surprised I didn't end up grabbing my Hideous Afghan Coat and a pair of bejeweled bikini bottoms.(Actually, I quite like the sound of that outfit...)

By the time I got to Olivia's it was about 8pm, meaning we had one hour to get ready. I really thought we could do it but somehow... time just slipped away from us. Maybe it was the fact that we bought another two (very cheap) bottles of champagne to drink while we were getting ready, or maybe it was the fact that we are just very slow and like to faff around a lot?

The tragic thing is, by this point, not one person had texted or called me to say they were coming to my Birthday Pre-drinks. I figured that if nobody was coming, I could forget the whole 'pre-drinks idea' and just take my long fucking sweet-ass time getting ready. Then the next day I could kill myself because everybody obviously hated me.

Olivia's London friend Champagne Charlie (I'll tell you why he's called that later) also came round to drink with us while we were getting ready- he has just arrived in Paris to film a TV series with a very famous French actor but I don't know if I can tell you who it is, because hopefully Tom is going to throw a huge house-warming party and get said Famous French Actor to come, and me and Olivia will meet him and we will get up to all sorts of mischief and I can write about it on my blog.

Anyway, Champagne Charlie (CC) is here until November and the Production Company is going to provide him with his own apartment for the duration of filming. Very exciting! (Shit. Another exclamation mark. Well that's the last one, I promise! Oops.)

I think part of the reason why I have recently unearthed the old 'becoming an actor' dream (even though I was sure that three years studying Drama at university had killed and buried it) is because I've been talking to Real Life Actors and it makes me feel... dare I say it... a little bit envious. There's the French actresses who I do the drama lessons with, also Olivia's sister and her friend came to stay a couple of months ago and they are both actors.

Anyhoo... Me, Olivia and CC decided that even if everyone else in the world hated me, us three would go out for pre-drinks. CC couldn't stay out late because he had Police Training the next day (the TV series he's in is a cop drama, set in Paris but marketed for an American audience, which is why most of the cast are American, or English actors putting on American accents.)

In the end, I put a few sequins around my eyes, but by this point my heart wasn't really in it anymore. CC went to the shop to get us another bottle of champagne but we didn't have time to drink it, because at about 9.30pm Cleo rang me, to say she was waiting for me at Andy Wahloo.

Cleo is the French girl from the restaurant who I started hanging around with after work, but then she went to stay with her boyfriend in America for a couple of months. She got back last week, so I invited her out for pre-drinks... and then completely forgot.

I'm a dick.

If Cleo hadn't rung me, we probably would have stayed in Olivia's all night, putting more and more make-up on and drinking more and more champagne. I told Cleo to get the metro to Olivia's and by the time she arrived we were ready to leave. As my plan was already fucked- nobody was coming and it was far too late already- I decided to sack off Andy Wahloo and go to Pause Cafe instead, because it's not far from where Olivia lives and we love it.

As soon as we got to Pause Cafe, we ordered champagne. It wasn't a conscious decision, but somehow me, Olivia and Tom just knew it was the right thing to do.

At about 11pm (the time I originally said I wanted to leave for Reverie) I got a text from Georgie to say her and Laura were on their way. Then I got a text from Julia and Abby to say they were on their way too. It felt like that episode of Sex and the City where nobody turns up to Carrie's birthday party so she goes home in a strop and then she has loads of messages from them on her answer phone, all saying they're going to be late.

Me, Olivia, CC and Cleo ordered another bottle of champagne. A woman on the next table turned round and said "Ssssssh, tu parles trop fort!" (Don't care if I've spelt that right or not. Fuck off.) Olivia did that face she does just before she launches into a tirade of abuse, but at that exact moment Georgie and Laura arrived. They ordered another bottle of champagne to replace the one we'd apparently already finished without noticing.

Georgie had invited her friend Benj and he'd invited his friend, then Julia and Abby turned up with their friend Elodie. All in all there were six French people and five English people, and I felt secretly pleased that I am no longer one of those English people who lives in Paris and has no French friends. Although... only three of them were actually my friends. Let's ignore that.

For Some Reason, I suddenly had a lit sparkler in my hand.

I have racked my brains and I have absolutely no memory of anyone putting the sparkler in my hand. However I do remember waving it around and everyone was watching me, including a man at the next table. He was sat really close, his face staring into mine, giving me the dirtiest look ever.  I waved the sparkler in his face and yelled: "I'MMA BURN YOU MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR."

I didn't actually remember this until the next day, when somebody brought it up. At the time, I didn't realise how drunk I was, but now that I'm writing it all down in my blog... I guess that by the time we left Pause Cafe, I'd had the equivalent of two whole bottles of champagne, plus two glasses of wine and then tequila shots that CC bought us before we could refuse.


Julia and Abby had bought me a present. I was so surprised and when I opened it I was amazed- they'd bought me a really nice dress from American Apparel. It's navy blue, very tight and has a see-through mesh bit on the cleavage.

I was really touched because they'd obviously put a lot of thought into what dress I would like and I love it. I didn't think they'd get me anything at all. Georgie got a ring with little charms on that I broke that very night, some bubbles to blow at the rave and, it transpires, the sparkler...

The next day she told me, "I gave you the sparkler, don't you remember?"

I honestly thought it was just one of those Magic Things that happens to me and nobody ever believes it was magic.

CC paid for all our champagne, hence his new nickname Champagne Charlie. Champagne Charlie can be anybody's nickname, I suppose. When Olivia's sister came to stay we kept calling her Champagne Charlie because at the time she was in a play at The National and was getting paid extremely well, and she kept throwing her money around, buying us all champagne and paying for things... Well on my Birthday Night Out, we transferred the nickname to CC. (I don't want to use his real name as hopefully the TV series will do really well and he will become an International Superstar, and he won't want his antics on some random girl's vulgar blog.)

Finally, at about half midnight,  Julia said we had to leave. I'd almost forgotten about Reverie. Me, Julia, Olivia and Elodie were all going to Reverie and we piled into her car with Cleo, because we were driving past her house. She's so cute. At one point she said to me, "Look, that's my house there!" and I was like "Well we need to stop the car then, so you can get out!" and she just shrugged and said "Oh, don't worry, I'll just get out where you guys get out and walk, I don't want Julia to stop."

Obviously I told Julia to stop the car.

We got to Reverie about 2am. Kayt had just arrived from babysitting. It was raining, a lot. But then it had been raining all day. In England it has only ever rained on my birthday once. Just saying.

The venue was massive- it's a huge space, just called 'Terminal 4', in the 15th arrondissement. As we got out of the car, I realised it was the same place that I took the five year old to last year, when we went to see that exhibition of life-size, moving dinosaurs. (He was really disappointed because I told him they were going to be real dinosaurs, I thought he'd be fooled but once we got there, he sussed it out in a second and kicked off.)

Argh I'm panicking now, I hope the toddler doesn't wake up before I finish this blog post!

Ok so...

We went into the venue and spent a lot of time faffing around getting drinks and looking for people. Julia and Elodie knew two guys who were there, which would have meant that, for once, we were quite a decent-sized Rave Crew. Except... for Some Reason, me and Olivia kept wandering off on our own. Now it all makes sense, because we were so drunk, but at the time I didn't feel drunk at all. I just felt spaced out from the lights and all the people.

Have you ever been that kind of drunk, where you don't fall over or say silly things, you just behave perfectly normal except that you feel dead inside, and when people look into your eyes there's nothing there except black oblivion?

Well I was like that.

(I remember in my head I kept repeating, like a mantra 'Don't trust anyone, you can only trust yourself. Don't trust ANYONE you can only trust YOURSELF.'- I need to stop drinking because it turns me into a psychopath.)

I remember that Azari and III and Richard Hawtin were good, but I wasn't like 'Oh my god this is amazing I'm having the best time of my life I love this music wow wow wow.'

There was one point , however, when me and Olivia were dancing like idiots at the back, and we were shouting to each other "I will NEVER care!"- that was fun.

Overall... I assume I had a good time... but... I don't really remember.

I don't remember Loco Dice at all and- here's the really gutting part- we missed Maya Jane Coles and Seth Troxler. At about 6am,  me and Olivia were dancing right at the front and Olivia was shouting in my ear "I'm so tired, I think I'm gonna go home." and I yelled back "No, no, wait for Seth Troxler, he's gonna come on any minute!"

If we would have waited, maybe we would have waited until noon the next day, because Seth Troxler had already been and gone. At about 6.30am, I admitted defeat and went home. Me and Olivia  went to find Julia and Kayt and told them we were leaving. (The next day I found out that they left at 7am, then went for coffee and didn't get home until lunchtime.)

On the metro, we both fell asleep, but I managed to wake myself up just before we had to change lines and then just before our stop, so we got home safely and without too much bother. As soon as we got in, we fell onto Olivia's bed and were asleep in seconds.

The next day I woke up at 3pm and I felt like DEATH.

I have never felt that bad in all my life.

I lay in bed because I was too weak to even walk over to a bottle of water I could see on the floor, lying just out of arm's reach. As I lay there, I thought about the night before, and the day before, and I realised that I hadn't eaten anything in 22 hours. No wonder I felt so weak.

I crawled out of bed and managed to get some cereal and milk into a bowl together. I tried to make Olivia eat some but she could only drink the milk. I ate mine and then fell back on the bed, not waking up until 6pm.

When we woke up at 6pm, we felt slightly better, well enough to order Dominoes anyway. Georgie was having farewell drinks at Comptoir Generale at 7pm and I really wanted to go, but I just wasn't well enough at that point to leave the house. The pizza came and it wasn't Sexy Pizza Deliveryman. Humph.

We invited CC round to share our pizza and then all three of us went to Comptoir Generale together. I've never been on a Sunday before, it's quite busy but chilled out at the same time, definitely a good place for getting over a heavy Saturday night.

At first I thought I couldn't face another drink, but in the end I had three bottles of Mango beer and I felt much better for it. Since Jen came to stay and forced me to have beer for breakfast, I've discovered that it really is the best way of getting over a hangover.

Abby and Julia were there as well and we talked about the night before. They said how drunk we had been at Pause Cafe and until they said it I had had no idea. But the more we talked about it... the more I remembered. They told me about the Sparkler Incident, which I had no memory of until they reminded me, they said how CC's face was green when he left and then CC said he remembered having an argument with his taxi driver on the way home, because he spat in the taxi by accident.

Then Kayt pointed out that the day before, all we'd eaten was three macaroons, a croissant, some cheese and a slice of ham. I know it's not a lot of food, but I still didn't understand why I was so drunk- all I remembered was the champagne at breakfast and the two kirs. Then we started thinking back... and that's when we realised we'd had six bottles of champagne between us, plus shots, ALSO, Olivia reminded me that once we got to Reverie, we were drinking beer all night.

I didn't have one non-alcoholic drink all day.

I don't know what possessed me, but for Some Reason I was honest and told my mum on Facebook Video Chat how much I'd had to drink. She was really worried and said that people can get alcohol poisoning from that amount of alcohol.

Let's not even think about how much money I spent. (Imagine if CC hadn't paid for the champagne?)

I feel really dark, like there's a Shadow of Shame hanging over of my Birthday Weekend.

But there you go, that's what happened.

ALSO! I was lamenting how I'd missed Seth Troxler and Julia said "But we saw him! He was on at 2.30am and we got there at 2am."




  1. "I feel really dark, like there's a Shadow of Shame hanging over of my Birthday Weekend." Don't be getting all 'sinister pity party' on me.

    I had a great time, won't put any effort in next year if you're gonna be a moaner.

    Top notch post, reminded me of the bon times we had!

    Olivia x

  2. I hate exclamation marks too, and then I go and use them alllll the time because otherwise people will (rightly) assume I'm not peppy and enthusiastic about things ha ha. Glad you (probably) had a fun birthday!

    1. Thank youuu!!!! (Exclamation marks a plenty!)