Uh-oh, it's been so long since my last blog post that I don't know where to start...
I think I'll probably have to stop in a minute anyway, because I'm babysitting and the word on the grapevine is that the mum will be home around 11pm. The nine year old has only just gone to bed (her sister is at a sleepover) and she didn't have a bath, wash her hair or brush her teeth and I know the mum will be fuming when she founds out but... it's not MY problem:
Before the dad left to go out, I asked him what time the nine year old had to go to bed and he said 'She can do whatever she wants'.This was in front of the nine year old, who was sitting at the kitchen table looking very smug as her daddy basically gave her license to do whatever the fuck she wants.
Nice one, dad.
I was really looking forward to getting her in bed so I could blog and drink tea and watch 'Boardwalk Empire' on the iPad. I almost cried when he said she could do whatever she wanted and I realised she wouldn't be going to bed for hours. If the mum says anything I fully intend to drop the dad right in it.
As she could do 'whatever she wants', we didn't eat tea until really late (chicken nuggets and pasta- standard children's cuisine), then we put the baby to bed and then we had a dancing competition. About half an hour ago she started getting sleepy, so I put a DVD on- 'The Princess and the Frog'- and she fell asleep on the couch after twenty minutes. Score. Only it's not really 'score', because now it's 11pm and the mum will be home any minute and I haven't had time to blog and I'm so very tired.
I'm all stressed out because next week the au pair family need me to work Thursday and Friday (it's the summer holidays) so I told my boss at the restaurant and she said 'Absolutely not, you need to come in.' Awkward, because I'm definitely not going to come in. It's not fair though: I could have just kept quiet and then rung in sick on the actual day, an hour before my shift; but I thought it only fair to give as much notice as possible. Now the manager will hate me, even though I'm just trying to be honest, whereas loads of people have been ringing in sick lately and I would never do that.
I hope the family can't see what websites I've been on using their internet. That's not possible is it? I don't want them to discover my blog. Especially as I have something cringy to tell you about the dad. Nothing embarrassing has happened with the dad since the Grinding Incident (oh Lord, how I've tried to blank that from my memory) until now. It was bound to happen...
On Wednesday me and the nine year old were eating lunch when the dad unexpectedly came home from 'work' (I think most of the time he is actually shopping for designer baseball caps, just as when the mum is at 'work' I know she is shopping for ridiculously expensive baby shoes) and he sat down at the table to eat lunch with us. Now, me and the dad don't really talk that much. I get the feeling he doesn't like me and I don't really care. I'm always polite and friendly to him, if perhaps a little reserved... But then he's never really made an effort either.
Anyway, the first weird thing that happened is that the toddler came waddling in and the dad saw that he had a little spot on the end of his nose.
"Merde!" he yelled, "What is that on your nose? Why are you ugly today?"
He was moaning because he had to take the toddler to a birthday party and he couldn't believe the inconsiderate little bastard had chosen to wake up with a spot on that day of all days. He asked the nanny what the spot was and she shrugged her shoulders, clearly wondering, like I was, 'Are you being serious?'
I suggested for a joke that he put make-up on the toddler. He thought this was a great idea and asked the grandma if she would do it for him.
This is why it's bad to be rich- it makes you mental.
Anyway, baby-spot drama over, we carried on with our lunch. Then the dad started singing at me. And I mean at me- holding his arms out towards me, singing in my face. He was singing a French love song. At first me and the nine year old were laughing nervously at each other, but then he went on. And on.
He broke off to say to his daughter in French, "Damn, it's not working on her!"
Then he carried on.
Right when I first started in September, he used to sing at me a lot and their old au pair, Chloe, told me he used to do it to her too because he likes showing off. He's not really done it for a while, I guess because my stony face is quite off-putting, but for Some Reason he decided to reignite his passion for 'Singing in the Face of the Au Pair Girl'.
After a while I stopped laughing and just carried on eating my lunch, ignoring him. The nine year old copied me, but kept sneaking glances at her dad, who was still singing. He gave up and left the table, then as he walked past me, he put his hand on my face and said:
"Ahh, you blush."
We all know I'm not a huge fan of Human Contact, but I am aware that I can be over-sensitive sometimes (e.g. reacting in a disturbingly violent manner when someone is trying to flick a spider off my coat), so I didn't freak out or pull my disgusted 'don't touch me' face that I can do so well. I kept my face expressionless and said:
Greatest come back ever.
(Olivia has since told me I should have said: "Yeah cos I'm embarrassed. For you." WISH I'd thought of that at the time.)
What the fuck is wrong with people? Why would you sing at someone for ten minutes, then touch their face and tell them they are blushing? Does he think I fancy him? Or does he just want me to think that he thinks I fancy him? Does he think I think he fancies me and is trying to tell me in a not so subtle way that I should be the one fancying him?
The whole episode made me feel like I was twelve years old.
ALSO, I forgot to tell you, a couple of months ago, I was sat in the kitchen, feeding the baby his dinner and minding my own business, when a really fit French man appeared in the open doorway, said hello and then started coo-cooing at the baby. He didn't introduce himself and by the way he was talking to the baby I assumed he was family, but I couldn't work out who he was. He looked about the same age as me. He didn't say anything directly to me, he just watched me feeding the baby. Just as I started to feel awkward, another sexy French guy came and stood in the doorway, also about my age and also a relative of the baby by the way he was behaving.
I felt really embarrassed because I was sat down and they were stood up, watching me feed the baby and talking to the baby but not to me. It was so weird, my hands started shaking and in my head I was telling myself 'Calm down, calm down, you're not the weird one, they're being weird, stop being embarrassed' but the situation was horrible.
After about ten minutes one of the guys asked me if I could feed the baby, so I said 'If you want', threw the spoon at him and ran like the wind out of the kitchen.
I hid in the bathroom 'running the bath' until the rest of the au pair family arrived home and still nobody bothered to tell me who these two guys were. I had to walk past them continuously all night because they were sat in the living room with their legs stretched out so I had to awkwardly climb over them each time I went to check on the dinner.
When they left, the dad gave them a lift home. He popped his head into the bathroom to say bye to the nine year old who was in the bath and he said bye to me too. I was sat on the floor by the bath and he PATTED me on the head as he left. That's when I knew I'd behaved like an idiot- I felt like he was trying to console me somehow... like when adults at family parties ask me if I have a boyfriend and when I say no, they say 'Don't worry.' and then I panic because before they said that I didn't think I had anything to worry about...
Fucking hell. I am like a twelve year old, aren't I?
I'm just fed up of men, I hate them.
And on that note, I better go in case the au pair family burst in and see me on my blog. But more blogs to come, I promise!!