Friday, 20 April 2012

French Fries and Fantasies

I'm sorry kids, it's been over a week since my last post. 

I have a lot of things to tell you, most of them small and stupid, but some of them are Quite Important things to do with Next Year... Sorry to tease you but I'm very tired and lazy, so tonight I'm going to cheat a little bit and present you with:

Here's Something I Made Earlier! I started writing it on Monday afternoon, but then I had to go to my au pair job...

I'm back in my little room for the first time in three days and I can't say I'm overjoyed. It looks like it's been raining in here, from clouds filled with dirty clothes and shoes and for Some Reason, two sweet potatoes. I can't remember leaving two sweet potatoes on my floor yet there they are, one nestled against a sock and the other one next to the fridge, as if he's waiting for the one banana and four yoghurts inside to open the door and let him back in.

I should probably pick them up.

I'll do it later.

Shall I tell you about my weekend?

I'll take that as a 'Ooh yes please, we do so love to hear you talking about yourself, day after day, for paragraphs and paragraphs, telling us the same old shit over and over again because even though you live in Paris and pretend to have quite an interesting life in actual fact you're incredibly boring and spend most of your time either sat on the metro going to work, at work, or in bed eating burnt lamb fat out of the pan.'

Hmm. I detect a slight tone of sarcasm in your answer, but I'll carry on anyway... anything to avoid tidying up my room. I'm actually trying to watch 'Game of Thrones' on the internet but it's not loading. I decided to start watching it last week, because I needed something fantastical to distract my imagination, to stop it creating visions of my future, showing me myself in thirty years time, still not a writer, still trying to pay my overdraft off, still not knowing what to do with my life, still struggling to obtain the Perfect Brow*.

So. In order to avoid worrying about reality too much, I planned to watch the entire series. I reckoned it would keep my mind occupied for a few weeks at least.

'From here on out it's all kings and swords and steamy scenes in barbarian nomad tents!' I said to myself.

Except... I'm not very good at downloading things.**

So far I've only managed to watch two and a half episodes and I can't be arsed anymore. I might just give up and face reality.

Oh, not reality! Anything but that.

On Friday night me and Olivia stayed up until six in the morning watching the BBC 'Pride and Prejudice' box set. We kept meaning to call it a night and go to sleep, but every bone in our bodies ached for the moment when Mr Darcy and Elizabeth FINALLY admit their love for each other...

I know, I know- I always go on and on about how I hate talking about/listening to/reading anything about 'love'. I don't really understand it and I'm not interested in it. But at the moment I'm just... I don't know if it's  the Mass Boy Hysteria taking or whether I've finally snapped and gone completely Mental, but recently I've been all moony and giddy, having romantic daydreams about everyone from Sirius Black to the Domino's Delivery Boy.

Ok, so I say 'everyone from' but really I mean literally just Sirius Black and the Domino's Delivery Boy...

A couple of weekends ago me and Kayt stayed over at Olivia's and watched some Harry Potter films. (Rock on, you crazy ravers!) As we all fell asleep we were talking about romantic fantasies and how detailed we make them, for example Olivia even tells herself what type of wallpaper would be in the dressing room of her Dream Home with her Dream Man (I can't remember the name, but it's that one with little scenes of people on it). I decided to Overshare and tell everyone my very detailed and very strange romantic fantasy about Sirius Black. I won't go into it now, but basically it involves... oh God, I really can't tell you, it's too embarrassing.

Anyway, me and Olivia were describing our preposterous romantic fantasies, involving such ridiculous details as having a specific wallpaper pattern and cooking a lasagne, and Kayt was keeping very quiet. I asked her if she had any detailed 'romantic fanstasies' and she said yes, she did:

"He's a French man and we're in Newcastle together, in Nando's."

I am not exaggerating- that is actually what she said. She could have had her Frenchman on a boat going down the Seine, or on a tropical island, or in a magical, rose-scented lagoon, but no! She said that she wants to be with him in her home city of Newcastle so that she can  'speak French to him and nobody else will understand' and then she said:

"I wanna, like, show him proper British cuisine, so I'd take him to the Nando's in town. It's where all the footballers go."

By this point me and Olivia were laughing at her quite a lot so she stopped, but I have a horrible feeling that her fantasy didn't actually go any further than that. Frenchman, Newcastle, Nando's... Wuthering Heights eat your heart out.

What was I talking about?

Ah yes, that same weekend that we got Domino's delivered (we're being very lazy these days) and the Delivery Boy was FIT. Then this Sunday me and Olivia got Domino's again (I know, it's disgusting- not so much the grease of the pizza, or even the laziness of ordering in but the all money we spent) and it was the same Delivery Boy and I still retain that he is FIT. Olivia is going to England on Friday. I should borrow her keys, order pizza and yank Delivery Boy through the doorway.

No, no. Mass Boy Hysteria taking over my brain again.

I've still got loads of things to tell you... let me see, where was I?

Ok, so last weekend me and Olivia stayed up all night on Friday watching Pride and Prejudice and eating ratatouille. The next morning we lounged around making plans for Saturday night. Olivia's friend Bernise from uni, who has been working in Dunkerque for her ERASMUS year, was staying in Paris for the night with some friends for her birthday. Bernise wanted to go out for drinks but she didn't mind where, so me and Olivia had a look online to see what was on.

It was then I found out that French Fries was playing at Social Club- French Fries the Parisien DJ who I have wanted to see for ages and ages but something always comes up.

"We have to go!" I squealed.

Olivia rang her friend and tried to Peer Pressure them all to go, but they weren't exactly being Keen Jeans. After much persuading on our part and after discovering that it was free to get in before midnight, Bernise said that her and her friends wanted to go to Social Club. The only problem was that I was working in the restaurant until 1am, so I wouldn't be able to get in for free and would have to rock up on my own, to face the Nasty Bastard Bouncers and a huge queue.

The tickets were fifteen euros, which I didn't mind paying as I really wanted to see French Fries. At least with a ticket I would definitely get in. As my I've lost my French bank card and my English bank card expired last month, Olivia lent me her bank card to buy the ticket online. We were chatting and watching Sex and the City as I did the booking, so I wasn't really concentrating... therefore what happened next is the fault of Olivia and Carrie Bradshaw...

When I 'completed the sale' it gave me the choice of printing off my ticket there and then. Olivia doesn't have a printer so I was just going to ignore it and close the window, but then I noticed that it was asking me if I wanted to print out THREE TICKETS.

I'd somehow bought three tickets. What a fucking nobhead. Who knows how I did it? Sometimes the universe just screws you over when you're not looking.

With the booking fee, I'd spent nearly 55 euros. That's 35 euros MORE than I needed to pay. I looked Olivia with panicked eyes.

"What have you done?" she asked.

I told her and we both sat in grumpy silence for a while, equally bemused by my stupidity.

No, I take that back. It wasn't MY stupidity, it was the website, somehow messing my order up. I'm sure it was. I messed around for ages trying to find out if it was possible to refund tickets, but of course it was not possible. Nothing is ever possible, unless it's something that you don't want to happen. Like accidentally buying three tickets instead of one, for example.

Ok this story is boring me now. Skip to the end:

... finally made it there after wandering the streets of Paris alone for half an hour. As predicted the bouncer was an absolute cunt, I asked him if I had to queue up even if I had a ticket and yelled at me. I was fuming until I realised it's normal to queue up for clubs even if you have a ticket- I was just getting confused with Rex Club where there are two separate queues.

I tried to sell my tickets in the queue but everyone thought I was a Dodge so I gave up and just stood there sulking, writing nasty things about Social Club on Twitter. In the end though, I only had to queue up for about twenty minutes before I was let inside, then just as the two girls in front of me were about to pay, I decided to try my luck one more time and asked them if they wanted to help me out by buying my two spare tickets. I also said they could have them for twenty five euros for the two. They said yes but they only had bank cards with them, no cash, so I said they could just buy me drinks when we got inside.

They each bought me a vodka and coke, which were ten euros each, and then I decided to play the Generous Stranger and let them off with the two drinks, meaning they paid a tenner each to get in, instead of fifteen. Actually, I think it was more expensive to pay on the door.

Anyway, they were really nice girls and I felt Karma smiling at me. I told the girls I'd chat to them later if we bumped into each other and went off to find Olivia and Bernise and her friends. At first I panicked that I was never going to find them in the crowds, but then I heard someone arguing with a Liverpool accent behind me. I turned around and it was, of course, Olivia. Arguing with a French man.

All in all it was a Good Night. The music was really good. A highlight was when French Fries played Wildfire by SBTRKT towards the end of the night... Bernise and her friends left about half three, but me and Olivia stayed until the club closed at six. We were the last people to leave, apart from a girl with gold teeth we were chatting to for ages outside.

We also met a girl in the toilets who asked to borrow lipstick from us because her ex was here with his new girlfriend, we made friends and she took us round the club looking for the new girlfriend so she could show her to us, I can't remember why we wanted to look at her so much but it was fun bonding with strangers over nonsense. In the end we lost the girl so I'll never know what her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend thought of her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's borrowed lipstick... Gosh being drunk is confusing.

We did a LOT of dancing and had a LOT of heart to hearts about how you have to 'keep your heart up' if you live in London. It was the drunkest I've been in a long, long time.and I spent way too much money.

At one point we got into a bit of Argy Bargey with two girls stood next to us at the front, because they said we Olivia was pushing them. As soon as we started arguing however, I realised from their accents they were from Manchester. Me and one of the girls decided to be friends instantly once I told her I was from Fallowfield and she told me they were from Salford. But her other friend was still being an aggressive dickhead, so Olivia decided to 'walk away from the situation' and then I chased after her, until she stopped at the entrance to the smoking room and we had a drunken argument because Olivia kept telling me to get back to 'my new bessie mates from Manchester' and I kept saying 'I was sticking up for you! I was sticking up for you!'

In the end I pointed out that we'd come to see French Fries specifically and he was now on stage and we were missing him, so we stopped arguing and then it was fine. But, it did make me realise, yet again, that alcohol does make people behave ridiculously.

I'm going to stop drinking.

I can't though! I'm not an alcoholic but I can't give up drinking, do you know what I mean?

Since Saturday night at Social Club a lot more Things have happened that I'd like to blog about, including performance poetry and duck in Roquefort cheese and a diamond on the floor...

But more on that tomorrow. I'm too tired for blogging these days, I don't know what's happening to me.

Stay tuned, stay safe.

I'm off to have a very detailed romantic fantasy about Sirius Black. Or maybe Mr Darcy climbing out of the lake and handing me a Domino's pizza.

Shit. I've turned into fucking Bridget Jones and I'm only 22.

*Obviously I mean brows, I don't want just the one Perfect Brow. Although if I did manage to get one of my eyebrows perfect, I always could hide the other one with a side fringe...

**Or I should say, my laptop isn't good at downloading things... but I'm scared it will get offended if I say that. Ssh..  Last time I complained about my laptop in my blog, it broke completely. That's why I'm whispering and hiding in the footnotes.


  1. Oh the joys of living vicariously - when I spotted you had a new post I immediately went and made a coffee, so I could experience two pleasures at once. I loved it, as usual, and being a native scouser, just had to laugh at you finding Olivia by following the sound of a Liverpudlian accent in an argument. (What? An argumentative scouser? Never!)
    GM x
    [p.s. have you thought of getting some Google Ads on your page so you can make a bit of money from it?]

    1. Yey, I love the idea of people settling down to read my blog with a hot beverage! Don't listen to Olivia... she is defintely NOT a 'placid scouser'. Hmm I'm not sure about the ads, thought it might annoy my readers? I could try it I suppose? Thanks for commenting x

  2. Ey, you, pipe down Anonymous GM. I am a placid scouser until I am molested by french men. Then all bets are off.

    1. Placid is not the first word that springs to mind when I think of you...

    2. Right-o, I'll remember that.
      Offensive is definitely a word that springs to mind when I think about you.

  3. Ha ha - same here - perfectly placid 99% of the time, but cross a line and just watch out! I call it "my Liverpool coming out" .... GM

  4. you can watch Game of Thrones online, no downloading here:

    1. Thanks for the tip, unfortunately my laptop is being so slow at the moment, it won't let anything load! Thanks for the comment and thanks for reading x

    2. grrrrl how you gonna be a famous clock wearing Parisian blogger with a wonky computer?

      Put up a paypal donation button. It probably won't pay for a new laptop, but it might get you enough to take to a shop to get upgraded. My 6 year old Dell has been upgraded and fixed so many times I don't even think it's a Dell anymore. I don't think ads work unless you get a million hits a day.