Saturday, 31 March 2012

The Lonely Spinster Profession

Yey! My first day off in over four weeks!

I just made that up, I have no idea when my last day off was really, but it must have been a few weeks ago. The only problem is I didn't know it was going to be a day off until last night, when the text I was waiting for from my au pair family- to say what time they needed me today- never came, so I've not planned anything Spectacular or even Half-Decent.

I could have had my hair cut if I would have known. The sight of my hair actually makes me feel queasy- it's so long, I feel like it is taking over my whole head. My fringe is almost down to the tip of my nose. Soon it will take over completely and I'll just be Cousin It in ballet pumps.

My plan today is to stay in and tidy my room, but I'm not holding out much hope. That was my plan last night, and I just ended up sat on my bed, watching Ruthie Henshall singing 'I Dreamed a Dream' on Youtube and crying hysterically into the pan I was holding. I don't know whether I can bring myself to tell you why I was sat in bed holding a pan... Ok. I was scraping the burnt lamb fat out of it with a knife and then, erm, eating it.

Hmmm. So I might be having an 'off week'.

The good news is, the eight year old (or nine year old, I always forget how old she is) told me how to get a boyfriend last night.

She was in the bath and we were watching music videos on the baby's iPad. (Yeah, I know- it's ridiculous. He won't eat his dinner without it in front of him now, and he knows how to find videos on Youtube and how to make the screen bigger and everything. Welcome to the future, kids.) She wanted to show me her favourite singer Shy'm and we watched a video where Shy'm was dancing around with a male model, holding hands with him and looking into his eyes lovingly... The eight year old turned to me and gestured at the iPad:

"You see! You don't want this? You have a boyfriend you can do this! But you don't have. Why you don't have a boyfriend you?"

I laughed.

We'd had a similar conversation a couple of months ago. Back then I told her I was 'too busy' for a boyfriend... Well these days I'm feeling a lot less fucking serene about the whole Boy Situation, so last night I laughed for about two seconds and then the laugh turned into one of those frowns, where you suddenly realise something troubling...

"Nobody likes me." I said.

The eight year old rolled her eyes.

"So? You make your face all jolie... and you do your hair all bouclé (here she mimed having curly hair) and you put your talons (here she lifted her leg out of the bath so she could mime wearing high heels) and you go to the party and a boy come to you and he say."

I was with her up to this point, following her every word as if she was a mermaid I'd stumbled across sitting on a rock in the middle of a magic love lagoon, who was known throughout the kingdom as the Magic Boyfriend Oracle... but now she'd lost me.

"He say what?" I asked, gripping the side of the bath and leaning in.

She shrugged.

"He say."

"Ahhhhh." I said.

An understanding had passed between us.

So, that's my plan for tonight. Slap on the make-up (I assume that's what she meant when she told me to make my face 'all pretty') curl my hair and put a pair of heels on and then maybe a boy will come up to me and he'll say.


Hold on a second...

Isn't that what I've been doing every weekend (minus the hair curling), since the age of sixteen? 

Oh well, maybe it will work now I've had the Blessing of the Magic Boyfriend Oracle...

Fucking hell. I really need to tidy my room up now. The only problem is and I'm not making this up... I've got a bad back and it hurts whenever I move. I don't know what the hell I've done to it but it started on Tuesday after work and since then it's gotten worse. On the metro I've been lowering myself into my seat like a pregnant lady. 

Sorry, I feel like all I do is moan but... whyyyyyy have I suddenly got a bad back? It just makes everything a bit more shit. Pfffft.

Also, last weekend I was in one of those moods where you can't stop thinking about all the horrible things that could happen to you at any given moment and I was getting all worked up thinking about how I waste so much of my time napping, when one day I could be run over by a car and be put in a wheelchair and I'll spend the rest of my life wondering 'WHY DID I NAP SOOOO MUCH!!!???? WHY DID I WASTE MY YOUTH??? Why didn't I get up early every day and walk to work in the morning sunshine, listening to the birds singing and watching the sky turn from violet to pink to lilac as the sun rises over the narrow streets of Paris? Why didn't I spend every afternoon strolling through parks, looking at the budding trees and feeling the warm Spring breeze blow my hair about my face?' Etc.

Anyway, now I'm terrified I've jinxed myself, and my bad back will just get worse and worse until I can't work* and it will be punishment for napping so much.

Right. I'm going to tidy my room now. I haven't blogged for soooo long but there isn't really anything to tell you. I've been drinking, a lot. Olivia is such a good host and she has such a well-stocked alchol shelf back at hers that, even when I swear I'll just go out for one drink and be home by 2am, I end up propping up her breakfast bar drinking margaritas, or rose and lychee martinis, or gin and tonic, until I pass out at about 5am. Then the next day it's struggle through the restaurant job, squeeze an hour nap in, rush to my au pair job, then agree to go for one drink and start the whole thing all over again... 

My life is becoming a little chaotic and also, being hungover all the time is making me really paranoid. Working at the restaurant is so weird, because some days I really enjoy it and then other days I'm convinced everyone hates me again and I go home and just sit on my bed, thinking over everything everyone said to me and it could have been implied in a nasty way, doing shifty eyes left and right, left and right. 

Ha, no I don't do the shifty eyes but it's only a matter of time...

Anyway, this was for Laura really, who can't afford to come to Paris again before she moves down to the South of France for the summer. Boo! Can't believe I won't see her again for ages. Last weekend her sister came to stay and they went to see two guys from Hot Chip playing at Fleche D'or. Me and Olivia went to meet them afterwards and they were waaaasted and were arguing with each other in Glaswegian. On the phone Laura had slurred that they'd been chatting to the guys from Hot Chip and also some Fit French Guys who they were persuading to come out with them. Unfortunately it must have been so dark in the club that they either weren't as fit as they thought, or else they'd just grabbed the wrong two guys, because when me and Olivia met them, Laura and her sister were accompanied by two guys who were a bit creepy and not at all fit and in the end we had to jib off in a very rude and arsey manner.

Maybe my problem is that I should be aiming to pull the creepy guys? Maybe I am setting my sights too high and so am destined to be alone forever. 

Oh I don't mind, not really. I love cats I suppose, and I guess if I always live alone I will always be able to sit in bed, scraping fat out of pans and eating it.


On that note.

I'm going to slowly ease myself out of this sitting position and then hobble around my room, cursing as I try and tidy up my chambre de bonne. It will be good practice for when I give up inevitably give up all my dreams and go into the Lonely Spinster profession full-time.

*Freudian slip! I meant to say 'walk'. Maybe I wrote 'work' because I was thinking about my dad whose bad back is the reason he's been unemployed for years and years and years? I have THREE JOBS so don't give me that bullshit about unemployed people breeding more unemployed people. Not that I'm touchy about it or anything...


  1. Don't worry, I'm a lonely spinster too! You made me laugh with the lamb fat, that's not exactly my thing but I was a bit embarrassed recently when I had some friends round and they discovered I had toblerones (plural) hidden in my bed ha ha! (To be fair, Monoprix had a two-for-one deal going at the time.) And hey, I suppose at least the 8 year old thinks you have potential...

    1. Ha! Great place to hide your chocolate stash. I would kill for a Toblerone right now, I wish I had a secret stash of chocolate... How do you not eat them all at once? Anyway, I've put the pans away tonight and I'm going out, following the eight year old's advice, so let's see... Thanks for commenting!