Sunday, 8 January 2012

New Year's Eve: Part 2

I need to blog and clear my head a bit. I've started confusing my blog with my mind. I keep thinking 'Oh, I need to write that on my blog' about every thought that wanders into my head... but I don't need to do anything- thoughts are fleeting, I wish I didn't feel like I have to pin them down all the time, type them up, share with them everyone. Who cares? Why can't I just think things once and then forget them, rather than re-think and re-think, and edit them in my mind. By the time I get round to writing my blog I don't even write anything I've been thinking about because I feel as though I've already written it once.

Anyway. I had a weird night at work. I found out two of the staff are 'sex friends' which is quite funny. I've come home all jacked up on coca cola and shit chart music, and I fancied doing a bit of blogging...

I never finished telling you about New Year's Eve. I can't believe it was a whole week ago. I'll tell you what, thoughts are fleeting and so is fucking time. It's always running away from me, skipping about like a smug idiot because it knows I can't keep up.


This time last week, I was sat outside a pub in Soho, dressed as Pohcahontas and watching an Eastenders-style couple's fight unfolding before my eyes...

My cousin was having a fancy dress party. I wasn't bothered about having a Big Night because I knew I was going to Ministry of Sound the next day, I just wanted to dress up and spend some time with my cuz. (Not that I ever say 'cuz' in real life, but there's only so many times you can say the word 'cousin' in one paragraph.) There wouldn't be too many people- just me, my cousin Sophie, her friends Emily and Becky and her flatmate Roz to begin with. Then some of her friends were coming and we were all going to Sophie's boyfriend's pub so she could be there when the clocks chimed midnight.

Only things never work out like you plan, do they? Her friends were coming from Peckham, which I only knew from driving through it earlier on in the day, was a very long way away from where we were at Turnpike Lane.

We got more and more drunk, waiting for them, and then Becky pointed out that if we didn't leave soon we would end up seeing in the New Year on the tube. Our plan was to go to Sophie's boyfriend's pub for just before midnight, then go to a drag queen pub called Mollie Mag's or something. Sophie and Becky love drag queens. But. We all had quite a lot of make-up on. Becky was dressed as Boy George. We started to worry that we could mistaken for drag queens ourselves and no girl wants to see in the New Year feeling like a big ugly man.

So the new plan was: go to Sophie's boyfriend's pub for about half eleven, wait for him to finish work at midnight, then go back to the party and get disgustingly drunk. Only these pesky Peckham kids were taking their loooong ass time to get to Turnpike Lane. They also rang up Sophie and said they didn't want to go to the pub because they couldn't afford it, so by the time they actually turned up, Sophie just threw them her keys and said we'd be back in an hour.

The tube journey was quite fun. Everyone was very merry and yelling Happy New Year to each other. When I say 'everyone' I mean Sophie was yelling it at everyone else on the tube, around the tube stations and in the street- policemen, bouncers, other drunk people...

We got to her boyfriend's pub just before midnight. We burst in through the doors to a completely empty pub. There was one man at the bar, desperately waving his tenner about and asking for a Guinness as if he was stood at the most crowded bar in London, and then two tables of quiet people at the back and that was it.

We got some champagne and toasted to the New Year. Then Emily, who is Scottish, whipped out a page of handwritten lyrics to Auld Lang Syne and made us sing it with her. We all joined in for one verse, but then we were distracted by the fireworks on the television and gave up. Emily, however, was not best pleased with this.


She was Angry. She went to the toilets in a huff and came back with a very dodgy, one-eyed man who looked about sixty five.

"THIS IS MA MAN FRUM FIFE!" she told us.

Emily went over and sat with her new Scottish buddy in the corner. I'm not one to judge on appearances (all right maybe I do sometimes...) but this guy looked like he'd carved out a few Glasgow Grins in his time.

Sophie and her boyfriend were chatting outside which left me, Becky and Roz stood at the empty bar, watching the London fireworks on T.V.

"It would be amazing to be there." I said.

There was a pause while we all sipped our champagne and looked around the half-empty pub.

"Next year, I'm going to see the fireworks." Becky said.

Just for a change of scenery we went to sit outside the pub and have a fag. Sophie and Emily (without the One-Eyed Wonder from Fife, thankfully) joined us and started bellowing HAPPY NEW YEAR at everyone. By this point I was feeling quite merry myself, so I joined in the general Cheering and Merry-Making. A couple walked past us and we bombarded them with New Year's greetings. The man was happy to walk by but the woman, who was so drunk she could barely walk in a straight line, took an instant liking to us.

"You're all Northerners!" she shrieked, "'Appy New year darlings!"

We were so thrilled to find someone as drunk as us that we begged her to stay and have a drink. Her boyfriend was trying to drag her away but she was quite forceful. She sat on Becky's lap and we all cheered, so her boyfriend rolled his eyes and went in to get them both a drink.

Me and Sophie went in to buy everyone drinks as well, but when we got to the bar The Boyfriend told us he had bought ten sambuca shots.

"Aww you're sooo nice!" Sophie cooed, "You're such a niiiice couple, how long have you been going out for?"
"Too facking long." he muttered.

We should have know then, that something was awry...

I left Sophie to help him with the shots and bounced back outside.

"I dunno where my boyfriend's gone." Our New Mate slurred.
"He's at the bar! He's buying us all shots!" I said.
"WHAT? He better not be facking buying... are you joking? Are you telling me my boyfriend's in there now, buying you all shots?"

I could sense that Something Bad was about to happen. Luckily, Our New Mate was distracted by Becky's face. She peered into it.

"YOU. Are so facking HOT."

Becky smiled. But then Our New Mate narrowed her eyes.

"You are so facking pretty..."

There was something in her tone of voice that implied she was about to do something to make Becky less pretty. Like shove a razor blade into her eye, for example.

At that moment The Boyfriend came back, with his ten sambucas. There was a chorus of 'Waheeys' and 'Thank yous' as we did the shots. Even Our New Mate said 'Thanks babe' as she did her shot. In all the commotion, I almost didn't hear what The Boyfriend said:

"Don't thank me, you facking paid for them."

But she definitely didn't miss what he said:

"Why you buying all these girls drinks with MY money?"

Ooh it was just like being in Eastenders! We sat there awkwardly while they argued and then, somehow, I have no idea how, their arguement dissolved into plans of getting home and all of a sudden they were leaving and we were calling goodbye:

"So nice to have met you babe! Happy New Year's!"

She called back "Facking love you girls!" as she left, dragging three chairs and a table along with her.

Right I'm tired, so I'll leave it there. I've not even told you about the fat man in Speedos yet!


  1. Your blog is my new favourite. Keep 'em coming!

  2. Thanks Crystal, I will keep em coming as need to finish off talking about New year's before I can relax!

  3. you facking nutter. You should see Georgie's NYE videos, they're full of REAL cockneys. I am well going to visit you in London.