Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Best and Worst Moments of 2011

I've got really bad writer's block. Normally I will just start writing any old shit and as I write, something half- readable will develop, but every time I try to write about my weekend, I read back what I have written and I realise I have spent about ten paragraphs describing my very long and tedious coach trip to London.

I think if I were to post the shit I have written so far, it would leave the reader feeling as if they themselves have just completed an eight hour coach journey- bored, drained and wondering why they fucking did it in the first place.

The worst thing is, on the coach journey back, I was snoozing but not really sleeping and in my head I was mentally blogging over and over again, so I feel as if I have already written about the weekend a thousand times already and I can't be arsed to do it again.

But I promise I will write about it properly tomorrow.

Oh God. I have just had the longest nap ever but it was too long, and now I feel sick. I have woken up to absolute carnage. My room is so messy that I am going to have to stay at Kayt's for a few days. Hopefully when I come back it will have tidied itself up.

Oh shit. Just realised this is my first blog post of 2011. I'm not exactly starting as I mean to go on am I?

I feel like I should be writing some sort of intelligent, reflective piece about 2011.

As it happens I'm not particularly intelligent or reflective, so I won't.

But I do feel that looking back at 2011 might be quite fun. Maybe I should bash out a few of my Best Moments of 2011 or something? (I have linked some of the 'moments' back to the original blog post, so if you are really bored you can read some of my past posts. I feel my past posts were a lot better than the shit I have been feeding you with lately, sorry.)

Best Things About 2011

  • The new friends I made...
(I'm too paranoid to mention these people by name in case they say 'We're not your friends, you dickhead.')

  • The old friends that came to visit me in Paris...
(Kat and Mikee, Rachel, Jen and Rosie, Abi, Claire, Jess, Lauren and Beth.)

  • Finally finding my rave around Paris...
(Mr Scruff, Foreign Beggars, Magnetic Man, Deadmau5, Bambounou, Mikix the Cat, Loefah, Mala, Damien Lazarus, Jamie Jones, Seth Troxler... too many considering when I first arrived in Paris I thought I would never find a club that played anything other than the Black Eyed Peas.)

  • Sunny holidays in Monaco, Ibiza and (not so sunny) Manchester.

Even though there were some Sad Times last year, I did have a lot of Good Times last year, didn't I?

Saying that, I know everyone prefers my blog when I'm having a Shit Time (I know from the amount of comments I get saying 'Hey, love your blog, you make me feel better about my shit life!') So, just to stop you worrying that I had too much of a good year, here are some of my:

Worst Moments of 2011

  • Throwing up on the dancefloor in Ibiza...

  • Throwing up on the streets of Paris after dancing to drum and bass with food poisoning...

  • A man saying to me half-way through sex "Is your daddy hariy like me?"

In fact last year was generally a Bad Year for Men. If you don't believe me, click here.

(I think every girl should read it, because you need to know the truth! Here is an excerpt if you don't believe it will be worth your while:

"Half through the hanky panky, the man started laughing. He said he was thinking of a funny song. He got up and went to put on said song. The lyrics of the song were this:

'Big, fat, wet fannies that smell like dead fish.' ")

Biggest Acheivement of 2011?

Unfortunately it wasn't learning how to speak French, abstaining from being a whore* or paying off my credit card, because I did none of these things. I would have to say my biggest acheivment of 2011 was getting a tan. I worked really hard on it and it lasted for agessss, in fact I still have some very faint white bits. So there you go. Not a complete waste of a year.

*Sorry readers, the Vow of Celibacy didn't work out, but I had to keep it up because somebody warned me that my mum had started reading my blog. Oh the things I wanted to tell you! There was one man who actually got out his accordian and played me some French folk songs on it, honestly. It was awful.


  1. Can't wait to hear about accordian man in great detail!

  2. It doesn't have a happy ending Mairi!

  3. Oh you can't leave us wondering about the accordion man and the failed vow of celibacy! Bonne annee!

  4. Mr Scruff??? Deadmou5??? The best I've found was Dodge and Fuski and they got cancelled :(
    Where??? How???
    Sorry about all the question marks.

  5. Mouse are you serious? Where do you go out? Check out, also you need to go to Nouveau Casino, Social Club, Rex Club, Cabaret Sauvage, La Bellevilloise... there is a lot of good music on in Paris believe it or not, you just have to look for it!!

  6. Gwan let's just say that I have lived in France for quite some time now and I can really understand where the stereotype comes from that French men are bad in bed...

    1. How are French men bad in bed?

    2. Hi love, I didn't say French men are bad in bed. I said I can understand where the stereotype comes from which is a joke, because I had some bad experiences. It was said in jest I was making an serious announcement to the world, damning the sexual prowess of France's menfolk...

  7. don't be so down on yourself! your blog is amazing, and super funny - i stumbled upon it while i was doing research for my trip to paris (i'm here now until the end of may) and like read the entire thing (sorry i know that's really weird...) but it was completely hilarious and totally compelling! i actually have a life. probably.

    anyway, if you have any advice about paris or ever want to like hang out (sorry! I know that's like super weird! but i'm trying to meet people in paris and you seem super cool... i'm american - not very exotic, but maybe still sort of interesting?).

    sorry for the like awkward comment situation! your blog is lovely, and i look forward to reading more hilarious posts :)

  8. Why don't I know about accordion man ?! I want a full detailed run down next week when I arrive please. Can you wait ? I can't.

  9. Natalie, thank you so much for the lovely comment, don't feel weird, I love getting comments on my blog! I would be up for meeting for a coffee or something at some point but right now I am very busy, working a lot of hours in my two jobs, but in a couple weeks maybe? Leave your email address in a comment if you want. Keep reading! :)

  10. Amy I can't fucking wait either!!! But i am going to be working soo much it's so shit. I will tell you all about accordian man, you might be sick a bit in your mouth. He had a mezzanine. I had to clamber down it the next day. It was terrible.

  11. for sure! good luck with all your work stuff!

  12. It's a good story Amy.
    LBM, if you're working perhaps Amy should stay at mine too? Or is that just greedy? You're going to have to see us whenever you can. Beautiful snatched moments here and there.

  13. Tabs, I've just had a thought, how do accordion man and beardy hobbit get washed? I didn't see a shower in their cupboard/apartment. This is really freaking me out. I'm having Edith Piaf flashbacks!

  14. There was a shower in a cupboard behind where we were sitting, wasn't there? Oh God I don't know. VOW OF CELIBACY reinstated as of NOW.