Thursday, 15 December 2011

This Isn't Just Any Blog Post...

... This is a hand-crafted, gently creamed blog post, draped in rich, velvety words and topped with a dusting of sweet, caramalised punctuation.

GUESS WHERE I'VE FINALLY BEEN?


I've been to Marks and bloody Spencer's haven't I? I thought I'd have a look on my way home from the restaurant, on the off chance that there might not be a queue, and I got lucky! From the cold streets of Paris I waltzed straight into the warm, motherly embrace of M&S and it was everything I'd dreamt it would be. As soon as you walk in the store you are greeted by racks of neat little cardigans and well-fitting trousers. You feel so at peace in the calming, clean atmosphere of Marks and Spencer's. Then, past the rows and rows of sensible clothing you are faced with shelves of shoes, some of which are quite nice actually, but you don't have time to stop and look at them because something else has caught your attention:

FOOD HALL

Around the sign a crowd of French people jostle for position as a security guard tells one customer to go in as another comes out.

(It's interesting how much French people slag English food off and yet here they are, anxiously queuing up for a chance to spend their hard-earned euros on such culinary delights as scotch eggs and Rich Tea biscuits.)

I didn't have to wait for long before the smiling security guard waved his hand like a genie, inviting me to step inside Aladdin's Cave...

It was fucking BRILLIANT.

There were piles of boxes and plastic tubs, filled with such treasures as Bakewell Tarts, Victoria Spongecake and Mini Flapjacks. There were hundreds of little Percy Pig faces smiling at me from inside their brightly-coloured bags.There were SANDWICHES, exactly the same ones they sell in England (only a lot more expensive). There were crisps and loaves of bread, packets of biscuits and fridges filled with ready-meals.

It was difficult to get around the swarms of French people puzzling over packets of Scotch Pancakes and English Muffins, but I managed to get a proper look at everything, silently taking in the Many Wonders of England, all the while keeping my eyes peeled for the one thing I was really searching for, yearning for...

Mince Pies.

I looked everywhere but they were nowhere to be seen. I asked a harrassed-looking manager where the mince pies were and he said they had run out, but that they would be getting more in tomorrow. My heart sank a little bit, but I have a plan to get up early tomorrow and queue up, so hopefully I will get some mince pies. I need them for Festive Fun.

By the time I discovered they were out of mince pies, a huge queue had formed outside the Food Hall. I realised that I couldn't predict when I'd next get the opportunity to come back. Who knows if I'll ever get as lucky again? I couldn't decide what I wanted or needed and to be honest, I panicked a little bit. I bought a packet of Digestive Biscuits, a Victoria Spongecake and a small Turkish Delight chocolate bar. It came to about four euros in total, which isn't too bad. The sandwiches might be a bit dear but apart from that, they haven't priced everything too extortionately, so I'm relieved. Now I just have to hope that after Christmas the queues calm down a bit so I can wander in whenever I'm feeling homesick.

Oooh! Only ten days 'til Christmas!!! Last night me and Kayt were invited to a Christmas party by our friend Liz, who has a French boyfriend and it was his work collegue's party or something. It was the randomest bunch of people I have ever found myself in a room with, but it was Good Fun and they had loads and loads of cheese. We met an American man called Frank who was insane, but we weren't sure if he was 'good insane' or 'bad insane'. We also met a Lebanese lady called Howa who owns a translation company and told us off for not speaking French. She has really sold me on Lebanon as a summer holiday destination.

I stayed at Kayt's and this morning we watched My Big Fat Gypsy Christmas and it was amazing!! I feel like today all my dreams are coming true. Oh, but wait. There is some bad news. Remember those trousers I bought from H&M that I suspected might make me look like a middle-aged frumpy woman with a huuuuge arse? Well, they do make my arse look huge and Kayt came round so I could try them on for her and she pointed out they are too big for me around the waist, so basically I have bought myself some Clown Pants. If that wasn't bad enough, I have just found a photograph of Snooki wearing a very similar pair of trousers. I am taking them back tomorrow.


7 comments:

  1. Nice one on M&S, LBM. It so happens I was in Paris yesterday. Have you seen the inflatable Santa shark at the entrance to the acquarium by the Tracadero? Tacky or what? It's got legs and feet and a santa outfit and it's a shark for heaven's sake.

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  2. No I haven't seen it, but I have been to that aquarium it's really good! Although I have to question the educational value of the place now that they are teaching kids that sharks have legs and wear father christmas hats!

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  3. As a Canadian, I'm not familiar with M&S's products (although I have heard of the store). Maybe next time I'm in Paris, I'll check it out!

    Also? I'm not sure how those kind of trousers could look good on ANYONE (even top models).

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  4. Crystal they looked good on the hangar, that's all I can say. You should definitely check out M&S products,although I don't know if anyone non-British will appreciate their famous Percy Pigs...

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  5. I am soooooo jealous of M&S! I'd kill for a sponge cake and percy pigs, or a scone...

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  6. Just laughed out loud at clown pants xxxxxx

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  7. Thanks Beth! I still haven't taken them back, even though nothing in the world will make them look good on me...

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