Thursday, 8 December 2011

Magic Transforming Knickers and Re-appearing Passports

Did I tell you that I found my passport? I can't remember. My memory is shockingly bad these days. I feel like my brain is slowly dripping out of the back of my head- too much alcohol and too much falling over and banging my head whilst under the influence of alcohol...

Anyway, after me and Amy spent every spare minute she was here hunting for my passport high and low, we concluded that it was Lost Forever. We searched every square cm of my room, as did some of my friends in case I'd left it at their places by accident. I resinged myself to forking out for a new passport, and all the Fucking Faffing that would come with it... I evisioned many tearful trips to the British Embassy and stressful moments at the airport, not knowing if they would accept my emergency passport or not....

Then, on the day that Amy left, we were in my room looking for anything she might have forgotten to pack, when I happened to glance at my bed and saw a flash of maroon. I didn't let myself get excited because a part of me knew it was probably Amy's passport. After all, a minute ago I could have sworn there was nothing on the bed. The only explanation was that Amy had put her passport there in the last five seconds.


Remember when I lost my passport at Ibiza airport? And I could tell that it was my passport before I could even see the front cover? Because it had a Magic Magnetic Aura about it? Remember?

I just knew it was mine.

I reached out for it silently and as my fingers touched the worn, dog-eared corner, I knew. I looked at the picture, just to make sure I wasn't going mad and there it was, the hologrammed photo of Myra Hindley with dark hair. It was definitely my passport.

"Shut. The Fuck. UP!" I shouted.

(Honestly, that is what I really said. I don't understand why, perhaps in my excitement my brain got confused and thought I was a Californian teenager.)

Amy looked up and saw the passport in my hand, held aloft like it was a winning lottery ticket.

"AHHHHHH!" she screamed.

It was very exciting, we danced about and screamed for about five minutes. Then, when we'd calmed down, Amy asked me where I'd found it. I explained that it had just appeared on the bed, as if by magic. Except I didn't mean to say 'as if', because it had actually appeared by magic- we'd looked for my passport high and low for days and all of a sudden it appeared on my bed, when my bed had been in plain view, and quite obviously passport-free, all morning. The only logical explanation was that it had been spirited there by some benign, supernatural force.

Amy said that she thought a more likely explanation was that it had been in my pillow case 'or something' and had fallen out 'somehow'. Hmmm. Not exactly a water-tight hypothesis is it?

Why do people insist of making up hazy, improbable explanations for things, when it is clearly MAGIC?

Sometimes things just happen, because of magic. I have tried to explain this many times to many people and nobody ever believes me. Like the time a pair of knickers fell out of my fridge. Kayt said "Why did a pair of knickers fall out of your fridge?" and I said "I don't know, perhaps an apple turned into a pair of knickers. We'll never know will we?"

But noooooo! This apparently was 'a ridiculous thing to say' and what followed was a very tiresome arguement where I had to patiently explain to Kayt how I wasn't saying that an apple definitely turned into a pair of knickers, I was just saying that an apple probably turned into a pair of knickers.  Was anyone there to witness an apple definitely not turning into a pair of knickers? No. So there. Why is everyone so negative, all the time?

In other news, I'm eating a mince pie and I'm feeling festive! I would put a festive Christmas video on here for you to enjoy but my laptop is being a KNOBHEAD so you'll have to provide your own soundtrack. Now I'm going to go Christmas shopping, for myself. Yey!


  1. Being a skank isn't magic...

  2. Finished cleaning the bathroom. Got myself a glass of wine and settled down to read your post. Was rewarded when I actually laughed OUT LOUD at the pair of knickers falling out of the fridge. Thanks. Bossy.

  3. yay for finding your passport! Just think of all the administrative hell you've saved yourself. A Merry Christmas, indeed. ;)

  4. Thank you for commenting everyone!

    Crystal- I know! I am sooo relieved I found it!

    Bossy- What is Bossy short for? I am glad my slovenly/magical ways made you laugh.

    Anon- don't lie, you don't love me.

  5. Bossy was my nickname given by my friends at school - can't think why, ha ha!

  6. I do!
    Dems the truths, it doesn't stop me from thinking you're a skank though.

    You and knickers don't have a good track record...s'all am saying.


  7. I think it was th magic of having me there that made them reappear. I wonder what magic will happen when Im back in Jan ? Facebook me and let me know when you will be in the pool so I can see you this festive period !