Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Snazz and Scuffles: Part 4

I'll pick up where I left off- is that the phrase? Left off doesn't sound right somehow... How can you leave something off? Unless it's a kitchen appliance.

ANYWAY- I believe the last image I gave you was the rather alarming one of me struggling in the arms of huge Monster Bouncer who mans the door at Le Longhop and who I have had a couple of sharp words with in the past. As regular readers will know, The Bouncer is Left Bank Manc's Natural Enemy and Ancient Foe.

(Oooh did I really just refer myself in the third person? Yes, she did, folks, yes she did.)

As I struggled to prise his arms apart, I told Monster Bouncer what I thought of him. Unfortunately I can't yet pull off saying 'You're a massive nobhead, kindly release me from your vice-like grip' in French, so I had to make do with saying 'You are not nice! Don't touch me, you are nasty!'

When I finally managed to escape, me, Amy and Olivia ran and hid in another part of the dancefloor and thankfully Monster Bouncer wandered off, in search of other females to drag back to his moster's lair. Olivia's Drunk Friends kept disappearing for 'air' and 'a sit down'- they clearly needed to go home. They were both staying at Olivia's but me and Amy (rather selfishly) persuaded Olivia to give them her key so she could stay out with us. One of them had sobered up a bit anyway.

By this point the Sober Three were actually feeling a little less than sober, despite only having two drinks. (I would like to excuse myself by saying that there must have been alcohol leftover in our system from the night before, otherwise I can offer no explanation for the level of drunkeness we reached after just two pints of beer.) We were just starting to enjoy ourselves and Amy had started chatting to a dashing Parisien lawyer, no really, he was dashing- he had one of those flouncy scarves on tucked into the neckline of his shirt.

We bid a fond farewell to Olivia's pals and started dancing with Dashing Lawyer and his friends, one of whom was a plastic surgeon. We felt quite pleased with ourselves for managing to meet respectable, charming men for once, especially in a shit hole like Le Violin Dingue. Olivia saw a very tall boy in Geek glasses who she said was 'just her type' so me and her disco-danced over to him inconspiciously. (Yes, it is possible to disco dance inconspiciously. Just don't point your hands in the air so violently.)

He noticed Olivia. They got chatting. It was all going so well... and then who should spoil the party but Monster Bouncer? Out of nowhere he was suddenly looming behind us and he grabbed me and Olivia, this time bending us both over and pretending to thurst his you know what into our you know wheres.

The indignity of it all!

We literally could not wriggle free. It was awful. At first we were laughing a bit, but then everyone on the dancefloor kind of cleared away from us... 'Let's leave that Mammoth Rapist to do his job' they seemed to be saying with their awkward facial expressions. I looked to Olivia's tall boy in Geek glasses. He seemed like the kind of boy who read poetry in cemetries.

"Do something!" I implored him.

He pushed his glasses up and looked in to the face of Monster Bouncer. I thought he was going to run away, but credit where it's due (ooh what a horrible clich├ęd phrase, sorry) he stepped up and demanded that the Monster Bouncer 'release us'.

Much to Olivia's and my relief, Monster Bouncer did release us. Then he stepped closer to Geek Glasses... and that was enough for the poor boy- he quickly disappeared into the crowd, as did me and Olivia. We found Amy with her Dashing Lawyer and his friends and we spent the rest of the night dancing and chatting, whilst keeping a beady out for the return of Monster Bouncer.

At about 5am, Dashing Lawyer announced that he and his friends were leaving and Amy, of course, decided they would probably be having a Brilliant After-Party, so we left with them. Dashing Lawyer had checked some library books into the cloakroom (we didn't ask) so we waited around the bar. There was a very drunk, swaying man with a hideous cardigan tied round his shoulders. For some reason he fixed his glassy eyes on Olivia and started calling her horrible names. Olivia got upset and to make ammends I took her by the hand and marched over to him. I couldn't think of one word in French, so I decided to start insulting him in English, at least Olivia would understand and it might give her some closure. I let out a torrent of insults, I can't remember exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of:

"Who knitted that jumper? Yer nan? Your jeans are shit, you've got crap shoes and you can't even stand up. You're a SHOW."

Unfortunately, his friends could speak English and one of them, the most Beautiful Man we had ever seen, said in a very reasonable voice "Why are you being so mean to my friend, girls?"

I explained how he had insulted Olivia and made her feel like shit and he listened thoughtfully. Then he pulled Olivia to one side and apologised for his friend. His sincerity was undeniable. As was his Gallic Beauty. MMM. Amy's Dashing Lawyer and his Charming Friends came back from the cloakroom, so we all went upstairs, also accompanied by Beautiful Man and his gang of pals which unfortunately included Hideous Cardigan Man, but we let him stagger about a few yards behind him.

Amy was on her After-Party Mission. I think she needs to seek professional help, it is not normal to be so obsessed with After-Parties. She asked Dashing Lawyer if he was having one, but he said he lived with a housemate he didn't know very well, so he couldn't have everyone back. His Charming Friends were staying in a hotel as they were visitng from Lyon, so that was a no-go. Amy's only hope was Olivia, who lives in a studio, but a spacious studio. She agreed, but only so she could get Beautiful Man back to hers...

We were incredulous. For once we had managed to entice Decent, actually quite Beautiful, Parisien men back to an after-party. Nearly all of them had those little scarves on, worn with Proper Coats. We had met men who wore Proper Coats! As we skipped down the road, the cold night air ruffled our hair and I knew it was the Winds of Change...


Did you think you had stumbled across somebody else's blog by mistake? Somebody who doesn't end every night out with a drunken disagreement or a near rape/tear-gassing? If you did, let me put your mind at rest- you're not reading the wrong blog. The night ended in a Street Brawl. Obviously.

I still have no idea how it happened. One minute we were a big happy gang of Northern girls and scarf-wearing Parisiens; the next minute, we heard scuffling and yelling behind us, so we turned around to see that Amy's Dashing Laywer and Olivia's Beautiful Man were fighting. Well, I say 'fighting', they were kind of chasing each other around and trying to hit each other, it didn't look too serious. A couple of the Lawyer's Charming Friends tried to break up the fight, but they ended up getting into a fight with two of Beautiful Man's Friends.

It was all very tiresome. Me, Amy and Olivia stood in the cold with our arms folded, waiting impatiently for the fighting to stop so we could continue on our way, but the fighting didn't stop, it got worse. Two guys and a girl walked past and the girl went crrrazy, yelling that someobody should call the police. Us Northern girls, thinking of nothing but the After-Party I'm afraid, thought this was a bit extreme, but before we could stop her, she'd called the police.

I didn't think there was any need for the police to come, but I was slightly annoyed that we had to wait around in the street for no reason. Just as I was starting to think that maybe we wouldn't get our After-Party after all, Beautiful Man managed to actually hit Dashing Layer and he fell to the floor, then he started kicking him in the stomach.

We ran forward instinctively to intervene, but the two sets of friends got there first. It was like West Side Story. I wanted to sing "Boy, boy, crazy boy. Get cool boy"* but I didn't, because at that moment the police really did turn up. They walked towards the scene of Mass Street Brawl quite casually, perhaps they could tell from a mile off that these boys in flouncy scarves wouldn't be any trouble. Before the police got too close, everyone dispersed down the street and me, Amy and Olivia had about four seconds to decide who we were going to go after.

Amy wanted Dashing Lawyer. Olivia wanted Beautiful Man. I just kind of wanted to dance around singing the soundtrack to West Side Story, but I thought I better follow Amy as she was supposed to be staying at mine. By the time we'd decided what to do, Beautiful Man was gone so Olivia said she would walk home. It was the opposite direction to us, so we said goodbye and let her go alone, which was despicable of us really. No, let me take that back. It was despicable of Amy, everything that happened that weekend was her fault and her's alone.

So, we walked to the nightbus with Dashing Lawyer (he was upset because he'd lost his library books in the fight), then I can't really tell you what happened next because Amy might get embarrsassed. But let's just say, three of us got a taxi, and only one got out on my street.

I had four hours sleep, then got up and dragged myself to work at the restaurant. Mercifully it was quiet all day, but I felt ill and dizzy all day- it seemed as though I was looking at the world through glasses with Vaseline smeared around the edges. Amy rolled in to the restaurant about 3pm, a look of utter agony on her face from the boots she'd borrowed from me, the boots that are strictly for 'one drink' nights or sit down meals.

I gave her my keys and she hobbled home.

When I finally, finally finished work, I couldn't wait to hear all the hideous seedy details. Let's just say- lovely sweet guy, gorgeous appartment, then, come morning BAM he turned into a complete and utter nobhead, a sulky spoilt brat because he couldn't have his own way.

So. Phew. I can't believe I have only just finished telling you about the weekend Amy was here, although techically she was here for seven days. She went back exactly a week ago today.

Aww. It was lovely having her here. Even though she made every night out Ridiculous. The good news is, she really misses Paris and she is seriously considering coming back for good! She is going to save some money up and look for a Proper Job, as she doesn't want to be an au pair or an intern again. Amy made me think twice about moving back to England, because she says since she has been home, things have taken a turn for the Shitter and she really misses Paris, a lot.


I really want to finish this off now as I am ready for my bed, but tomorrow I will do another post rounding up everything I have done this past week, which unfortunately includes chasing away a man who was wanking behind us on the street.

Oh, and...

I found my passport!!! It was inside my bedsheets for Some Reason!!! YESS!!

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