Amo is staying over later, I have finally dragged her away from her beloved Disneyland for the night, on the premise that I will give her back the 100 euros I owe her. What she doesn't know is that I am planning on getting her really drunk and then asking her if I can give her just half of the money this week, as I need the other half for cocktails tonight. Am I a terrible person?
But I have Big Problems when it comes to money, it has always been a Mystery to me; I nearly didn't go out on Thursday because I realised I couldn't really afford it and Kayt said "How can you not afford to go out? You have a full time job" and I had no answer to give her. As a consequence I was forced to go out against my will and spend the money I should really be giving to Amo...
Although, I am being More Careful these days. I only bought one drink on Thursday and then we went home on the night bus. We were going to pay 12 euros to get into Nouveau Casino but on our way there from UFO -a strange little dive on Rue Oberkampf where they project 'erotic thrillers' from the 1960s onto the wall, to a soundtrack of reggae and ska, played by a man who looked suspiciously like Jimmy Saville- we decided to get a Subway, which landed us in the middle of a bizare disagreement between the Sandwich Artist who was holding the fort on all his lonesome and had locked the door to stop more people coming in, and four Police Officers who demanded to know why he had locked the door...
Seriously though, I am really trying my BESTEST to be Super Careful because not only do I owe Amo money; I still owe Julia thirty euros for my We Love Art ticket AND I still owe Clare money from last June AND then there is my friend who lent me the money to put down as a deposit for Ibiza...
Oh dear, I've just realised I am a Massive Dickhead.
But enough about my idiotic Financial Situation, the least I can do for Amo is tidy up my room- since Laura stayed last weekend it has gotten even worse. It's so messy that I've not been in my room since Thursday morning, I've been out all day at my two jobs and then stayed both nights at Kayt's. I couldn't bear to sit amongst piles of dirty clothes and dirty dishes and bits of paper and broken hangers and bottles of hairspray and scruffy make-up brushes and old magazines and bras and books and wet towels and bits of fluff and huge knots of tangled-up Electrical Things... ARGH.
I'm going to get started on it now.
No more distractions.
Once I've finished I'll feel so much better, then I can concentrate on Organising My Life, which chiefly involves booking my flights home for Christmas. I've decided that flying is my only option, even though I don't really trust myself to fly alone after the disaster in Ibiza. But I only have four days and I want to spend as little of that time as possible travelling. The restaurant said I could have from the 20th to the 26th off, which I was pleasantly surprised and excited about until I remembered that I have to work my au pair job until the 23rd. So that means I can fly home on the 23rd and fly back to Paris on Boxing Day.
I can't believe I am going through with this. I honestly thought I would just quit the resto job if it meant only having two full days off at Christmas, but the fact that I am really skint with the waitressing wages makes not having the waitressing wages a scary prospect...
There's some Good News though:
I'm getting New Year's Eve off!!
I really, really hope I can go to London, but we'll have to see, I might have to be in work the next day and everyone is going out on New Year's Day rather than NYE, so I'll need at least three days off. Ooh, exciting prospects though! If I can't go to London then Abby and Julia said I'm welcome wherever they're going in Paris.
And at the same time... very very bad times, back in England. I can't believe I am writing all this trivial shit on my blog about money and tidying, because I had some Bad News this week and it makes everything seem... stupid. Sad and stupid and ridiculous.
But you just have to carry on as if everything is normal and not think about it too much.
Carry on, carry on...
Try to think about the future.
Although, actually, don't bother. You might never get there. In some ways I'm worrying that I'm doing the wrong thing. Why should I bother with this Stupid Fucking Waitressing Job, shouldn't I just spend as much time with my family and friends as I want to over Christmas, rather than worrying about money and the future?
I've not booked anything yet anyway, so let's just see what I decide. I'm going to wait for a Sign. I like Signs. Somebody give me a Sign, but make sure it's the one I'm looking for.
Oh God. 'Someone Like You' is drifting through my open window. Excuse me while I go and slit my wrists.