Saturday, 29 October 2011


Work wasn't too bad... because I ran out crying after twenty minutes of working on the Front Section, so they put me on the Back Section which is a bit smaller and it was really quiet all evening, plus everyone was extra careful not to push me in case I started crying again.

It wasn't even that awful, I don't know why I started crying really. I was stood on the Front Section and things were just beginning to get busy and somebody asked me something in French and I didn't really understand and they were being a bit snooty and then the shift manager, an English girl who I haven't worked with before, came over and said:

"Look happy! You look really unhappy, are you ok?"

And you know when you feel a bit like crying and then somebody asks you if you are ok and before you know it you've run away with your emotions and before you know it you're on the border of Crying County and you didn't even realise the car had started?

Worst Analogy Ever.

But you know what I mean. I said "I am really unhappy."

It occurred to me that maybe they think I enjoy the job and I just look sad because I'm a miserable bitch no matter what?

Then I started to say "I'm finding it really difficu-" but I had to close my mouth because I could feel the wails of despair welling up and I didn't want to do that embarrassing choking, gulping thing I do when I don't want to cry but I can't help it.

The shift manager looked really shocked but she was actually really nice. The Ridiculous Thing is that I found out she is TWO YEARS YOUNGER than me, as are a few of the other people who work there. I know two years isn't a lot, but it's weird because I've been feeling like everyone has been treating me like the baby of the workplace, whereas clearly they all know I'm not a baby; they have just been treating me like an idiot.

Anyway, I had a little hysterical cry behind the bins and then a more senior manager, who happened to have dropped by for Some Reason, walked past and saw me huddled over, weeping. I told her that I was finding the whole 'speaking French thing' really difficult and that it had all got on top of me. She told me to just speak English to people if I'm struggling, because it is an English-themed pub after all and a lot of the customers are either tourists or business people, so they probably speak English.

It wasn't really the French thing though. I started the shift feeling miserable because when I arrived people were milling around downstairs waiting for the 'briefing' to start and I just stood there wondering what was going on. The more I stood there, the more everyone else ignored me.

I guess that maybe, to the other people who work there, it seems like I'm always ignoring them and so they ignore me out of principle, but I just can't force myself to be a People Person. I feel awkward and confused and because I'm so paranoid I second-guess everyone all the time, assuming they don't like me or they're busy when maybe they're just wondering why I've worked there for two weeks and I haven't bothered to find out their name.

Or maybe they are just a bunch of bastards who hate me for no reason, who knows?

After my little cry I went back out there to discover that they had changed me onto the Back Section. It really is a lot easier to work, because there's no bloody outside terrace that you have to keep running back and forwards between and the tables are all within eyesight. Luckily for me, it was a quite night tonight, so nothing went catastrophically wrong and I was allowed to leave half an hour early, meaning I got the last metro.

But as soon as I got home I had another problem to worry about... my Stupid Fucking Costume for tomorrow.

Earlier today I said I was going to look for a 'Corpse Bride' type of thing. As I'm sure you've guessed, my Mad Shopping Dash was an absolute disaster. I went to the Marais with the intention of finding a vintage white, lacy dress or at least something lacy I could rip up and improvise with. Coiffeurs, the cheap vintage shop next to L'as du Falafal, had nothing in it. Except for annoying English and American tourists who don't understand it is a tiny shop you need to be spacially aware and not stand there dithering about when some people are in a rush trying to look for a Halloween costume thank you very much fucking move out of my way...

After Coiffeurs, I marched as fast as I could to Hotel de Ville, because I remembered there were some good vintage shops along the way. Unfortunately, they were too good and everything in them was about seventy euros. In a blind panic, I ran back to the metro, thinking I could go in H&M and look for something highstreet that could be somehow turned into a 'scary costume'. On my way back to the metro I stumbled across a little stall selling hideous scarves,, but one of them was kind of lacy and veily, so I bought it. It was ten euros. Don't say anything.

I bought a black scarf, because Kayt gave me the idea that I could wear this nice, black dress I already have and go as a bride who wears all black. It's quite long, with lace on the bottom and a mirrored bodice. Erm, it sounds disgusting but it is actually really nice, I promise. Oh my god, I have just realised, now I've got a Blackberry, I can take photos for my blog again! Ok, I'm going to take a photo of the dress so you can see what I'm talking about!

I keep those two dresses hung on the wall as a 'decorative feature', but I completely forgot that they'll probably absorb all the cooking smells and will forever carry a faint whiff of spaghetti carbonara. Anyway, it's one of those dresses that looks nicer on than it does on the hangar... Goodness Gracious, how do you spell hangar? Is it hanger? My brain has melted.
I'm rambling now. Where was I?

Oh yes so I panic-bought a shit scarf, then in H&M I bought a black lacy top that I thought I could wear with the dress or wear as a veil, then I bought about six black flower hairgrips to pin it into place and make it look more 'veil-like'. Overall I spent thirty euros, which is so stupid, but I just go mental when I've got a bit of money in my pocket, it's part of the reason why I try to never have any, because money makes me Insane.

As soon as I got in from work I tried out the veil and some quick make-up ideas. I managed to make a veil by pinning the lacy top to the back of my hair, it looked all right after a lot of tweaking but I doubt if I'll remember exactly how I did it when it comes to recreating it at work tomorrow... The make-up looked dreadful, but I'm planning on buying some very pale face powder tomorrow morning before work, so that might improve matters slightly... As for the dress, I like it a lot, but that's because it's one of my favourite dresses and  think I look nice in it, it doesn't look spooky or anything. I tied the shitty scarf around my waist so that it looked a bit more unusual and decadent but in all honesty, it makes my waist look smaller and that's the only reason I did it. (Also I need to justify the ten euros I spent on it.)

So. In conclusion, I've spent thirty euros on some shit I will never wear again and tomorrow I'm going to have to get up Super Early so I can curl my hair and get to work with enough time to faff about in the toilets with black eyeshadow and some flowery hair grips. I'm basically dressing up as 'girl in nice black dress with lots of eye make-up and a t-shirt hanging off the back of her head.'

Oh, one last ramble (not a rant, not quite a rambling), there was a New Guy who started work tonight and he started doing all my jobs for me and he was really On The Ball and Competent. The bastard.


  1. I love your blog. I lurch from maternal concern to laughing out loud. I need the laughing, thank you.

    Bossyi (Gwan's mum.)

  2. Aww thank you so much! I didn't think anybody out there would be feeling 'maternal concern' for me, that's lovely!

  3. I love your blog too! Please post a pic of you all dressed up in your costume with the make up done! Inquiring minds want to know how it turned out...

    Have fun at your party :)

  4. Ha, love how my mum introduces herself like you know who I am... I often get emails from her worrying about various bloggers! Hope the costume works out!

  5. Crystal, no photos of the costume, for reasons I will explain in my next post!

  6. Gwan I am afraid the costime did not really work out, I'm going to write about what happened later... How cute is your mum though?

  7. aww Tabs, i'm sorry you got upset. I miss you so much. Let's rant on Wednesday.

  8. Thanks Kayt, I've thought about what you can get me from England if you get this is time... a small bar of Galaxy, a small bar of Dairy Milk and a cheap microphone for my computer if you can find one, I can't skype anyone cos mine is broken, I don't know where to get a cheap one from in France? xx