Sunday, 2 October 2011

The Dog Incident

The nine hour cocktail session on Wednesday completely made me forget about the Dog Incident that happened earlier on in the day...

I have been trying to spread the word for years now that Dogs Can Eat Your Face and also, Their Shit Makes Small Children Blind. I don't like dogs and I don't think anybody else should either. (I am especially concerned about my mum, who likes to pepper our conversations with references to random dogs she has seen in the street, for example, 'Today I saw a cute little doggy and he ate a bit of ice cream!' Yes mum, but will it be so cute when it is eating the ice-cream off your face? And it goes too far and eats a bit of your face? And you are scarred for life physically and emotionally? Will it still be a cute little doggy then?)

I'm not one of those people that hides near the door screaming when presented with a friend's dog, I can happily give other people's dogs a pat and say 'Whoseagooddoggydoggythen?' I can smile and say 'What a nice dog!' but inside I am making a mental note of all the exits in case the dog goes beserk and attacks me. The only exception is my cousins' dog Kep, who I loved a lot and even took on a walk once, but we got attacked by another dog so I made Kep run away and hide in a bush with me, until I was sure all the other dogs in the area had gone home.

Anyway, on Wednesday I had to go and pick up the eight year old girl from her friend's house. She plays tennis with her friend in the morning and I pick her up from 'the club' or her friend's house, who lives two minutes away from 'the club'. I have no idea how they decide each week where I pick her up from but it seems to be completely pointless and random, like most things au pairs are asked to do.

The friend's house is beautiful, even though I've only really seen the kitchen, which has huge glass doors opening onto the front garden. The cleaner/nanny invited me into the kitchen to wait for the girls, then the friend's mum came in, who randomy happens to be English, and told me that they were still at 'the club'.

Before I could process this, the BIGGEST yellow Labrador I have ever seen came bounding into the kitchen and started sniffing my crotch area enthusiastically. I bent down and patted him on his disgusting, hairy head. "Ooooh! Hellodoggywoggy!"

Big mistake.

The dog, who shall henceforth be known as Beast, then jumped up AT MY FACE because like I am always trying to fucking tell people, he obviously WANTED TO EAT MY FACE. He put his paws on my shoulders, like he was greeting an equal. "We're not equals!" I wanted to scream, "You foul-smelling, street-defecating monster! I'm a human and I read books, YOU kill toddlers and rape table legs- get your paws OFF ME."

Obviously I didn't shout this because nobody likes to know a Mental is looking after their children's friends, but I did say "Ooooh dear, oops" to let everyone know I wasn't comfortable with the situation.

In typical dog-owner fashion, the woman went "Oh he's just being silly!" I hate it when dog owners act as if their dog isn't a Massive Dickhead. If a dog came up to a family in the park, ate three of their children and then shat all over their bloody corpses, the owner would come bouncing up and say "Oh he's just being silly!"

Beast wouldn't stop trying to climb on top of me (he was clearly trying to get me on the floor so he could rape me) but English Mum made no moves to stop him. Feeling very awkward and also terrified, I said "Should I sit down?" because a vague memory suddenly flashed into my brain of someone else's dog 'being silly' and the owner telling me to sit down because I was making the dog feel threatened. ("Yeah ok, I'll sit down. Or we could kill your dog. Either option would put an end to this horrible situation.")

English Mum looked at me, horrified. "Erm... why don't you sit outside?" So, she's one of those English Expats In Paris- the type that look down on anyone working as an au pair, because they're (read: their husband is) so rich and successful that they couldn't possibly talk to another British person who is working here in some sort of household/childcare position. Bitch. (Since living in Paris I have discovered an unnaturally aggressive hate for rich, Upper Class people... I might give away all my possessions and start calling everybody 'comrade'.)

I went and sat outside to wait for the girls, feeling slighted that the English Mum didn't want me to be in her house and also relieved that Beast had stopped pawing me. But Beast had no intention of leaving me alone. He followed me outside and as soon as I sat down, he jumped up at me again and put his huge paws on my shoulders.

His jaw was near my face. This was it. After all my preaching, a dog was finally about to eat my face and everyone would have to finally believe me... but what a terrible price to pay for followers.

I turned my head away and tried to push him off me, but he just jumped on me again. He wasn't even barking or growling, he was just trying to get on top of me. I felt like I was being sexually assualted by a giant, hairy, yellow mute. It was really sinister.

I managed to push him off me and twist my body away so that he couldn't get on my shoulders, but then he bit me on my bum. He didn't bite me hard, but he closed his teeth around my flesh and that in itself is not pleasant. I thought perhaps that this meant he was gentle and was just playing, so I tried to stay calm as he started 'biting' my legs and my waist. It didn't hurt at all, but then he started doing it faster and harder. I said OW really loudly, hoping the cleaner/nanny would hear and come to my rescue... but she didn't come. Nobody came.

Beast jumped up at my face again and I started crying a little bit because I AM VERY SCARED OF DOGS and this dog was biting me and jumping all over me. I grabbed him by the shoulders, pushed him off me and then held him down so he couldn't come near my face again. He suddenly became interested in my shoe so, relieved, I let him bite my trainers for a bit and he seemed fine. I felt stupid for getting panicky over nothing, he was clearly just playing with me.

Then I felt his fucking teeth go through my trainers, through my socks and into my foot, so I kicked him in the face and if anyone is reading this who likes dogs and thinks 'Oh no! She kicked a dog!' then you can fuck off- I'd kick your dog in the face as well.

So, I kicked him in the face and then I ran out of the gate and into the road and I waited for the eight year old there. Beast paced up and down on the other side of the gate, probably cursing himself for messing around and not going for my face when he had the chance.

The eight year old arrived and she asked me why I was waiting for her outside. I told her I was a little bit scared of her friend's dog and she laughed. On the way home we saw a little scruffy dog, about the size of a chinchilla, and the eight year old ran towards it saying "Coucou!"

The little bastard spun round and started growling in the back of its throat, jumping as high as it could and barking. The eight year old screamed and ran behind me but after Beast I wasn't even scared. I knew I could stamp on it if I needed to, but his owner pulled him away quickly. She rolled her eyes and said something in French. I didn't hear her but I'll bet you any money that
she said "He's just being silly!"


  1. I have soy sauce all over my face and indigestion because I just re-read this while eating my lunch and laughed so much, I think it is the best thing I've ever read. Traumatic and brilliant.

  2. Thanks Mairi! Sorry about the soy sauce though...

  3. You are right to be afraid they'll eat your face. It has happened a few times to children recently in NZ. Re your mum and the ice-cream: last month a dog bit a child in the throat because it wanted the chocolate he was eating:

    (btw he wasn't going into space - that's the name of the children's hospital in Auckland....) GM

    1. That is horrendous. Oh my GOODNESS. Scared all over again now. And what a strange name for a hospital...