Thursday, 30 June 2011

The Au Pair Face-Off

Oh my God. I am babysitting in the most beautiful Parisien apartment I have ever seen- it has huuuge windows and fireplaces, and ornate mirrors with gold, frames that look like they should be in a musuem, and the ceilings go on forever and the monitor I'm looking at right now is about twenty five inches, and they have a massive telly and and a Wii and a cupboard full of DVDs and English books and there's an IPad on the table and they said 'Use it all, do what you want!'

I'm a bit overwhelmed with choice so I thought I'd fill you in on Super Au Pair...

She looked just as I expected- very, very tanned, with thick black hair, although she didn't look anything like Jessica Alba in real life; she is more of a Selma Hayek. As soon as I opened the door to her the kids jumped into her arms, screaming, and she screamed back, ruffling their hair and gushing to them in her Fluent bloody French, because even though she's from Australia she went to a French school and got 100% in her baccalauréat (the French equivalent to GCSE's), as the kids are always telling me.

After a few moments of me stood behind the door like a sinister manservant, I caught her eye and she went in to kiss me on each cheek, even though neither of us in French. I didn't want to be out-Frenched so I sucked up my Social Touching Fears and joined in, putting on my bestest 'I've not spent the past few months blogging about how much I hate even though I've never met you' smile.

The kids were all over her but she managed to hold them off her long enough to tell me "I've got it from here, you can go any time you want, seriously."

I didn't need telling twice- the night before me and Amy had gone out for 'one drink' for Elle's birthday, ended up drinking three bottles of wine in Pigalle otherwise known as the Sex Pest District, then spent a good few hours hopping on and off the night bus, by which I mean hopping on the night bus that was going in the completely wrong direction, and then when we finally managed to get on the right one, we hopped off, changed onto another bus going in the wrong direction, and then we had to get a taxi home, using some money Amy had in her purse that was actually change for her boss. (The worst part is, when the taxi took us round the corner, we realised that we were about two seconds from the bus stop we needed.)

The Mum of the family had given me a long lost of tedious housework-type things to sort out, because Super Au Pair was going to take the kids on an amazing day out somewhere fantastic that I would never think of and that the kids would never want to go to with me.

Obviously, I went straight back to mine and a lovely, much-needed two hour nap. Then Kayt and Amy rang me and asked me if I wanted fajitas for lunch. A few weeks ago I babysat for her family and they paid me next to nothing, even though I am a little au pair who can't afford fresh milk and they earn over 60,000 a year... To pay me back she made the fajitas in their apartment with their chicken, so HA, I must have cheated them out of about one euro fifty. Every centime counts!

While we ate I tried to bitch about Super Au Pair but I had only seen her for about two seconds, so all the spiteful, bitterness I could muster was aimed at her leather anklet and the fact that she doesn't have an Australian accent- she sounds like Nicki Minaj doing her British accent.

Anyhoo, after the Sneaky Fajitas, we took Kayt's little boy to the park and who should we see but the kids and Super Au Pair, jollying along on their scooters and bicycles, Super Au Pair herself on the mum's bike with a fishing net sticking out of the baby seat on the back like Julie bloody Andrews.

"Hey, we're not stalking you!" she said, stopping in front of us, "We were just watching Twilight and eating lollies (sweeeties!! They're called sweeties!!) and the dad came home and said we should get outside, so we're just going to the shop..."

Well well well, Super Au Pair's amazing day out wasn't a day out at all, it was a 'sit around and let the kids do what they want day', very similar to my favourite 'sneakily nap on the couch and let the kids do what they want day'.

God I feel like I'm just writing a load of shit, who wants to read about this? If I don't start watching a film now I'll never finish it before the couple I'm babysitting for get back, so I'll finish telling you about Super Au Pair tomorrow... Who do you think came out on top?


  1. Can't wait for part 2! I'm gonna say it was a draw?

  2. Part 2 is coming tonight... I won't spoil it for you ha.