Sunday, 1 May 2011

Personally Recommended

Did I say shocking? I meant boring.

Well, maybe it will be vaguely interesting for some people, I don't know. Who can tell what anyone thinks of anything on their blog, when a lot of people seem to be finding it by Googling 'homo sapiens fucking neanderthals naughty sex'? (Really, I didn't make that up.)

Anyway, I have had another Revelation and I know I seem to be having Revelations every other day- Mermaids Are Real! One Day I Will Be Old! All Men Are Weird! - and perhaps one day I will write them all down in a book and call it 'The Revelations' and be set alight by Angry American Christians, but this Revelation kind of contradicts what I said last week about, ahem, all men being Fucking Mental apart from a few exceptions (to which, by the way, I have now added Prince Charles, Prince Harry and Prince William in light of my new found love for the Royal Family instilled, as you might suspect, entirely by The Wedding.)

Ok so my latest revelation, drum roll please, is that:

Maybe Not All Men Are Weird.

I know, I know, it doesn't sound right does it? It doesn't help that as I type Portugese Man next door is playing carousel music and sobbing because his fiery lover has finally left him, after months of having to listen to them arguing and hitting each other in the face- Oh my God, I am not making this up, over the carousel music I can hear the couple above me having their crazily loud sex. It's not time for sex, it's time for elevenses! Oh yes, I meant to mention it the other day, I have realised that Arguing Portuguese Couple and Crazy Shagging Couple aren't the same couple. My friend pointed out that the noises were coming from completely different rooms and in my desperation to create a dramatic imaginary persona for strangers I had kidded myself into thinking they were the same couple. It makes more sense now, but it's not as good a story. And also it means the man next door to me is a woman-beater who listens to carousel music in his spare time.

BUT I think in general there may be more men who are Not Mental and perhaps me and my friends have just had really, really, consistently bad luck in the last few weeks avec les hommes. The reason I think this is because, a few weeks ago, and I haven't mentioned anything until now as I wasn't sure how the situation was going to pan out, my mum's friend's cousin (who is half-French) Facebook messaged me saying that he had heard I was living in Paris on my lonesome and as he had family in Paris, did he want me to ask his cousin to show me around? I said yes because I thought it would be a good opportunity to practice my French and also, it is really hard to meet any real French people at all, despite living in a country full of them.

He said his cousin was thirty-one and 'a good laugh' so with the help of the girls I texted him all in French, with abbreviations and everything, and asked him if he wanted to go for a coffee. I don't like coffee, but I didn't really know what else to say. I'd feel a bit of a fraud if I asked him to 'show me round' seeing as I have been living here for seven months. He texted me back with a lot of exclamation marks, which I assumed was the 'good laugh' part of him. It was literally like this: !HI!!!!! !YES I WOULD LIKE TO GO FOR A COFFEE!!! !THAT WOULD BE GOOD!!! !WHEN DO YOU WANT TO GO??!!!!!!! !I CAN COME AND GET YOU!!!

As I was texting him, the thought crossed my mind that when we actually met up he might be a little surprised to discover that I can't actually speak French...

We were supposed to meet up last weekend but when he rang me I was already at the park having a picnic, which is what we did every single day of the long Easter weekend, and I freaked out at having to speak French on the phone, which was HORRIFYING. I asked him if we could meet the next day instead. Then on Sunday he didn't ring and I thought 'Oh that's a bit strange, considering all the exclamation marks, but there you are, men are Weird so what did I expect?' Also, in my panicky French I'd asked him if he wanted to go out for a drink with me and my friends and I was all paranoid that it was inappropiate and he was going to be like 'Woaaah I'm thirty-one, I'm not going for a DRINK with you and your little mates!'

Then he texted me on Monday saying he'd been in Belgium so it was all ok, I hadn't offended a stranger I have never even met, and we arranged to meet the next weekend (this weekend). Every time I texted him I had help from someone who speaks good French, so I was a little... 'apprehensive' shall we say, about meeting up with him in real life and having to speak French but then the whole point of it was so I could practice my French. I decided to forbid myself from speaking English and asked Kay to help me write down some French conversation phrases down for me, although as Amy pointed out, was I really going to take them along to the cafe with me and get my notes out?

On Friday he texted me asking if I wanted to go to a party with him and his friends. The plotline of Taken flashed before my eyes but as Amy reasoned, he had basically been personally recommended to me as a Non-Mental, so it must be all right... right? Kayt and Emma agreed to go with me, although Kayt insisted on knowing the actual address before we went just in case they raped us and threw us in a ditch, although I reminded her that if they did rape us and throw us in a ditch, I'd go and bloody tell his cousin, so there. And surely rapists and sex traffickers don't use that many exclamation marks?

He kept saying that he could pick us up in his car which, under normal circumstances, I would never ever say is ok but as Amy said, he came Personally Recommended. I kept repeating this and just before she left us to go to her babysitting job, Amy looked at me worriedly and said 'I feel like you're clinging on to that Personally Recommended thing I said.'

And I was, I was.

So me and Kayt got ready, had a bottle of wine between us to calm our nerves and because we're Disgusting English Girls, then we stumbled on to the metro. It was one of the last stops on the line, always an indicator that a place is Proper Dodgy.

OMG STOP EVERYTHING- Kayt just sent me the link for My Big Fat ROYAL Gypsy Weddings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGHHbhjcbdshvhfbvrbfhrfjfahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!




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