Jekhyll's metamorphosing potion.
Heinz's coloured ketchup.
Literature and history teaches us that experimenting with the fundamentals of life can only end with horrifying disaster...
And do we learn from these lessons?
No, we do not. (They didn't learn from green tomato sauce that nobody likes rainbow-coloured condiments?)
Instead, we insist on acting upon every bright idea that pops into our head, even if it goes against our better nature, even if it goes against nature herself, convincing ourselves that only good things can gained from 'trying something new'...
We never suspect the horror that will come as a result of our innocent experiments, not until it's too late.
I say 'horror'- this isn't really a horror story, but it sure ain't pretty. Let's just say it's a sad lesson to have learnt. (And let's also say that I love to exaggerate and to be over-dramatic.)
This tale starts, not in a darkened laboratory in the 19th Century, but last week, in a packed Indie club in Paris, when me and Amy decided that one day this week we would go on a Classy Manhunt. The idea was so shockingly good that we wondered why we hadn't thought of it before- we would DRESS UP in all our finery, go to a NICE place, have no more than TWO DRINKS and see if we could find some nice, NORMAL, successful high-earners/poor but brilliant artists/clever and charming students to TALK with.
We were under the influence of alcohol when we made this brilliant plan, but the next day we studied the idea without our rosé -tinted spectacles on and it still seemed like a Good Plan:
FINERY + SOBRIETY = NICE MEN
(I'd just like to point out that me and Amy are Perfectly Happy being single and in No Way Shape or Form do we feel the need to 'hunt for a man', it was for purely for the experiment... it was!)
We decided to do the Manhunt on Wednesday and Kayt and Emma wanted to join us, deciding that they too could do with a change from our usual social schedule of: Eat Lots, Drink Lots, Spend Lots, Wake Up Confused and Paranoid.
On Wednesday afternoon, we all took 'our' kids to the same park and while the kids played unsuspectingly, we ate their gouter and hatched a plan for the evening:
7.30pm: finish work, go home, get ready really quickly
9pm: meet at Amy's for dinner (apart from me, I would eat with the kids at work to save money and also because I can't resist food that is just sat there staring at me)
10pm: head out to Le Truskel (actually an Irish pub/indie club, so I have no idea why we chose this as our hunting ground, but when we were there last weekend there seemed to be a lot of attractive, interesting looking men there who didn't try and sexually assault us)
11pm: half-way through our first drink, we would be approached by a group of lovely, slightly older men who all have good jobs as well as impressive creative past times, they would say they were entranced by our finery and sobriety
1pm: after a night of flirty yet sophisticated conversation, as well as a free drink, but no more than one as we wouldn't exceed our two drink maximum, we would make our excuses and leave for the last metro, not before giving into their begs and pleads for our telephone numbers.
So how did our little experiment pan out? It saddens me to present you with the findings of our 'Classy Manhunt'. It's too painful for me to laboriously detail what actually happened, so instead I'll just give you a summary of the evening and you can decide how it matches up with our fantasy schedule outlined above...
7pm: Ate a scrumptious dinner of raw radishes, three pieces of ham and instant mash followed by sneakily devouring random sections of the kids' easter eggs. (They have loads left and keep starting different ones, so I can eat bits without them noticing.)
8pm: Start talking to my mum on Skype
8.30pm: Have a shower and start getting ready.
9.30pm: Get to Amy's to discover she has made loads of pasta and am forced to eat a Second Dinner against my will. For some reason we have mutually decided to pre-drink without anyone actually saying it. Me, Kayt and Amy drink a bottle of wine while Amy finishes getting ready. We arrange to meet Emma at Le Truskel.
10.30pm: Kayt shows us a TV series she has been watching on the internet called 'Game of Thrones'. With some determination she finds us a particular scene she wants to show us where a barbarian played by Jason Momoa takes his virgin bride to the clifftops and rips her dress off...
11pm: Emma texts us to tell us she is at Le Truskel, waiting for us. We all feel shit and rush out onto the metro. It doesn't come. We talk to an American couple and then later when the metro finally shows up, I wave at them like they are my best friends and realise that maybe pre-drinking wasn't a good idea. Emma texts us and says she has gone home.
11.30pm: We go in Le Truskel. There is three people in there. We walk out and get straight back on the metro to Favela Chic, a club I have never been to that Kayt is always saying is really good. We are quite drunk all of a sudden.
Midnight: We arrive at Favela Chic and there are about five people in there, although it does look like it could be good when you don't decide to go out on a Wednesday night, like a dick. We consider going to Le Batofar but realise it would take us about an hour to get there.
But then we are in the mood for going out... as we are debating what to do next, we spot a McDonalds. 'Somebody' suggests that maybe we should just go for a McDonalds and get the last metro home. We aren't sure if we will make the last metro. We are stood in the street deciding how stupid it is to get a McDonalds, making us miss the last metro, and then forking out for a taxi. Suddenly we realise we are having this debate in the doorway of a suspicious looking Shisha place or 'cave' as Amy calls it. 'Somebody' says 'It will be funny!' Sound familiar?
1.30 am: Nobody told us you have to be a Man of Arabic Descent to sit in this particular shisha den, but we figure it out by the looks we are getting. Undeterred, we smoke a lot of shisha and watch the RnB music videos playing silently on a big screen above us. We discuss life and the universe. We all agree that we will never acheive anything in life, but that it's ok, because life is what it is. It's not an overly uplifting conversation, but...
2 am: ...we are overjoyed to discover the McDonald's is still open! Me and Amy get a cheeseburger and chips, Kayt is good and skips the chips. We get a taxi straight away and Kayt can't get enough of the radio station and asks the taxi driver to tell her what it is. We sit in silence feeling light headed, listening to music like this and wondering when we can open our McDonald's.
2.30am: I sit in my room eating my Third Dinner. I get a text from Kayt saying 'I just thought I saw a park bench was a dog and that the water going down the drain speeded up as I went by'. I wonder if they put crack in our shisha, then Kayt rings me to say there is a real panda teddy sat on the street and I think they probably did.
10am: I wake up feeling Confused and Paranoid.
And there it is, the hideous results of our little experiment. We tried to carry out a Classy Manhunt and all we ended up with was three dinners and a shisha pipe.
It saddens me.