Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Life Skills

I can't cope. I can't cope with life and I should never have been allowed to leave home. I have three huge bags of wet washing and they are all creased and starting to go musty because I have nowhere to put them because my room is a mess and all my furniture is broken. I thought I would just have a cup of tea to calm down but I have no milk. So I am just sat on my bed, on top of the sheets that I last changed at the beginning of March, because I have washed my other sheets but they are wet and they won't fucking stay hanging up anywhere.

I can't cope with wet washing and mess and broken things. I tried to put the curtain back up that hung in front of the weird bathroom/kitchen hybrid alcove. I borrowed a hammer from the family. I found the piece that fell off. But there are no nails. Where are the nails? Why can't I find the nails? Where can I get nails from? What kind of nails do I need? How will I find out?

It's too much.

I tried to hammer the other side of the curtain rail, the bit that is still hanging on so has the nails in, but nothing happened. I was hammering and hammering but the nails didn't go any further into the wall. Why? Why? WHY???????

The other night Amy came round and she had to sit on a chair in the middle of my room and eat burnt courgette and pasta that had dried milk on it for some reason and all around her there were piles of dirty and clean clothes mixed up in a big creased dusty mess and I could see her looking around and thinking 'Why did this girl's mum let her leave home?'

I should be taken into care.

And yet... I am living in another country, in the capital city, on my own. And for a job I have to take care of three children and 'run a household'. I don't want to 'run a household'- I want to live in a squat and not wash and have a cat. But a really independant cat who can feed itself.

Oh my god. That is it- I'm just a massive tramp. I'm just a Massive Tramp who can't sort her laundry out or wash on the regular and that's why I am having so much difficulty.


I knew I should have tried harder to make something happen with Sexy Homeless Man.

Speaking of sexy men, my friend who shall remain nameless has a date tomorrow with a very sexy man she met the weekend before last, and she was telling me how he is quite intense and how she is worried that she always goes for nutters. I asked her where they were going for a date and she said 'I don't know, he's coming to meet me after his therapy.'

Still, I would rather attract nutters than no one. I know this sounds really weird, but I think I am getting a bit of a thing for one of the boy's Lego men. He has four little firemen and they are all quite good looking in a generic Lego way, but one of them has a little bit of stubble and a really obnoxious smirk on his face, with one eyebrow raised. In my head I have decided that one of them is the boss (the stern but handsome one who has the biggest helmet) two of them are old timers and quite good friends with the boss, and Obnoxious Smirk is the newest recruit. He's on the least money and the others look down on him a bit and The Boss always yells at him because he's really cocky and lazy, but he just doesn't care- he's Obnoxious Smirk so he is really obnoxious and smirks a lot. He seems like a bit of a dickhead. Sexy though.

I don't know though, maybe I should steer clear, maybe I should look for someone who is nice and who isn't a Lego figurine. It's kind of sad that even when I am choosing between four little plastic toys, I still go for the one who is the biggest dickhead. And also, I can't explain how I know this, but Obnoxious Smirk is not interested in me- I'm developing a crush on a lazy, obnoxious, plastic Lego toy and my vivid imagination can't stretch to making him fancy me back.

Hmmm. I am in two minds whether to publish this post or not: on the one hand, it might make people feel better about their own lack of Life Skills (like doing the laundry and ensnaring members of the opposite sex who aren't one inch tall and made of plastic); on the other hand, it does make me out to be a Bad Weirdo...



  1. you can get machines to feed cats. the more they eat, the more that falls out. encourages over eating and cat obesity. I think my flat mate has one of these machines. not for his cat. his cats are not that fat.

    and will the firemen be smirking like your lego fireman?

  2. Ooh I hope so, can we get a trip to the fire station organised please, 'for the kids'...

  3. Is the picture the legoman you are in love with? I totally get it.

  4. Yeah! But in real life his smirk is diriter... phwoar. I bet he has a tattoo.

  5. I'm married, but I do quite like to stroll by the firemen station and sneak looks into their gym which is conveniently located on the ground floor. Why isn't that spot in more guide books?

  6. this is gold- you should base an entire novel around this. i have also fallen deeply in crush with friar tuck from robin hood whilst reading it to the children i au pair for. something about his glossy rosy cheeks and the monks robe, and the bowl hair cut. but maybe it's just the fact that he's stationary and mute and can't see my face or know i'm thinking about him

    1. Friar Tuck sounds cute, but be careful you don't convince yourself that he knows you fancy him, because then every time you read it to the kids you will feel embarrassed and ashamed because he is a man of god, trust me, I know how these crushes on inanimate objects/2D drawings work... Thanks for reading, I'll let you know when the novel comes out: 'Burning Heart, Plastic Lover.'