Monday, 25 April 2011

It's Out There

Today I discovered a UNIVERSAL TRUTH.

It is so mind boggling that I think it has changed my life forever.

Not only has it changed how I will live my life in the future, but it has made sense of so many confusing happenings I have already endured.

Right, are you ready for this?

Let me hit you with my knowledge bomb:

All men.
Are.
Fucking.
Weird.

And that's it, that's all I'll ever need to know to make sense of the world and I honestly, honestly feel so much better about everything because it explains an awful lot and there has always been this little pixie on the edge of my peripheral whispering: 'How will you feel if you end up alone, very old and very fat and living with seventy cats?' and now I can turn around and say 'I will honestly feel relieved because:

All men.
Are.
Fucking.
Weird.

You may think I making a ridiculously general statement, so before I explain how I came to discover this universal truth, let me outline the few exceptions:

EXCEPTION 1: The male members of my family seem to be Quite Normal. Apart from my dad (Quick example: he used to paint psychedelic patterns and offensive messages on garden snails with Warhammer paint and then release them again, in the hope that one day an old man would look up from his weeding and see a snail going past with 'Fuck Off You Miserable Bastard' written on it.)

EXCEPTION 2: Some of my friends' boyfriends seem Quite Normal- Kat's boyfriend Ricky, Lauren's boyfriend Ben... Ok when I said 'some' I mean those specific two. To anyone who is offended by this: Feel free to tell me in no more than two hundred words why your boyfriend is not Fucking. Weird. Photographic evidence and testimonials will be accepted.

EXCEPTION 3: The boys I would call 'friends'... I can count these on one hand.

EXCEPTION 4: Some children. I say some, because the five year old I look after thinks that Easter eggs fall from big gold bells in the sky. (This means that his mum couldn't tell him that the Smarties Egg I bought him was from me and therefore I wish I'd eaten his egg as the only reason I bought it was so I could bask in his materialistic-love, but that's neither here nor there.)

So those are the exceptions. Now I will explain how I came to understand the universe and it is all down to my friend Who Shall Not Be Named...

(Hold on to your knickers girls, because this is a horror story.)

Two of my friends met a French man at a Jamie XX gig two weeks ago, (the same night I was in Lyon). He seemed interesting and fun and he was good looking. They chatted with him all night and swapped numbers. The next day he came and met all us girlies at Tuileries and we all agreed he was nice- he was funny and friendly... and also he took his top of because it was hot and he was fit and very, very tanned.

There was 'chemistry' between him and my friend Who Shall Not Be Named and they agreed to meet on their own. When she arrived at the park he was doing handstands, on his own, but she decided to overlook this and they had a nice time. They met up many times over the next few days, both alone and as part of a group. We all agreed he was nice but she was worried he was a bit 'intense'. We decided that he wasn't 'intense', it was just that he had travelled the world a lot doing yoga and 'being spiritual' so he was bound to take life a bit more seriously than a group of binge drinking au pairs.

Feelings of fondness grew... Finally My Friend Who Shall Not Be Named agreed to go to his house on Sunday night and blatantly 'It' was going to happen. There was lots of chemistry between them and we all knew. We couldn't wait to hear the sordid details the next day.

And we definitely got the details.

It's not really my place to reveal them, although to be fair I have told you a lot more than She Who Shall Not Be Named might like, but the most important detail is this (and beware, because it will BLOW YOUR MIND):

Half through the hanky panky, the man started laughing. He said he was thinking of a funny song. He got up and went to put on said song. The lyrics of the song were this:

'Big, fat, wet fannies that smell like dead fish.'

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Read it again.

And again.

Read it until you can't laugh, or cry, any more.

Read it until you are too scared to even look at a male dandelion.

And so it can be ascertained that:

All Men.
Are.
Fucking.
Weird.

I have been trying to find the 'fat fanny' song on the internet all evening but I have only found lots and lots of worried teenage girls on health forums asking: 'What does it mean if your fanny smells like dead fish?'.

Incidentally, my friend Who Shall Not Be Named does not have 'a big fat fanny that smells like dead fish' and even if she did it clearly doesn't matter because Mr Mad also said that he is falling in love with her. They have known each other for two weeks.

So.

To conclude (apart from four exceptions, which I have outlined clearly above for future reference):

All Men.
Are.

Fucking.
Weird.

And seeing as I just revealed the mortifying secrets of one my friends, it is only fair that I tell you something about last Thursday, the night I refused to blog about on the grounds that even me, a scandalous No Shame Jane, could not divulge such seedy secrets. I swore to myself that I would never, ever repeat this, not even in my own head (especially not in my own head) but I am one of those people that has to share things in order to feel better about them.

Alors.

Make sure you are sitting down.

During a certain moment between two people, this phrase was uttered to me:


"Is your daddy hairy like me?"

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I don't think there's anything else to be said.

7 comments:

  1. hahaha omg...this is really just ridiculous...

    As for the falling in love thing, though, apparently French men believe that people fall in love within weeks, it has been suggested to me that I was falling in love with a particular man within 2 weeks of meeting him, and he didn't seem concerned when I brought up the brevity of our relationship as an objection to this claim. At least there were no obscene songs referencing unwashed parts of my anatomy...

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  2. From now I am not even speaking to a male cashier in a shop, I deal only with women and children, that way will avoid any disgusting questions about the hairiness of my father.... ARGHHHH. What is wrong with them? You never know what they are thinking...

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  3. I enjoyed this a lot.

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  4. Glad to hear it, although Owen sound suspiciously like a boy's name to me...

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  5. agreed.

    jerks. weirdos. psychos. pretty much all of them.

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  6. This post was pretty hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing! At least it's assuring that if I come across any crazies in my sexual exploits* with French men, at least it will make for a good story later. ;-) Bahahaha.

    Oh, and I was totally at that Jamie XX gig. Not kidding! Cheers.

    *sexploits.

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  7. Yes Samantha that is how I comfort myself 'think of the anecdote'...

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