Monday, 28 March 2011


Guess what. I don't have to pick the little boy up from school for ages and I'm already awake, and dressed AND I've even had a wash AND I went jogging this morning. Yes, I have become an Excellent Person and Health Freak. Next thing you know I will be eating just one dinner a night! No, probs not, old habits die hard, but still... I am going to start going jogging regularly!

Last Friday was my last ever French lesson. I decided that I would rather have the money to spend on Activities and I can't be arsed with getting up early. I can't do it. But actually, because the weather has been so nice recently, I found it really easy to get up on Friday and we got our 'reports' back and I wasn't doing as badly as I thought; I almost wish I wasn't quitting. But I needed to pay them 389 euros for the term and I have five, so I had to put an arrĂȘte to my French lessons.

Still, every cloud... no more getting up at 7am to sit through two hours of grammar I don't understand and won't remember ten minutes later. Plus, I was only going to two out of three lessons, less if I was hungover, so I was basically throwing one hundred and fifty euros straight in the bin.

Still, the Speaking French Dream really has died and gone to Life Plan Heaven, just like Storytelling (people won't pay you to tell them stories, apparently) and the See-Through Toaster I invented. I say 'invented' I mean I thought 'Someone should make a see-through toaster! I'll be rich now!'. This dream died on my first day with Family Decent, upon entering their kitchen and seeing a See-Through Toaster sitting on their worktop...


I have decided that instead of lying in bed until 11.20, giving me precisely five minutes to leap out of bed swearing, pull on a pair of leggings and run down the road to the little boy's school, only to be greeted by the disapproving glares of the Serious Nannies waiting at the school gates, all of whom have clearly been up for hours cooking Duck Casserole and thinking of new ways to discipline children; I am going to start JOGGING.

I will get out and about! I will get up early! I will be awake for more time than I am asleep! I will feel the new day's air on my skin and see the morning sun glint off the surface of the lake as a swan glides over the glittering water... More importantly, I will be able to wear frilly crop tops in Ibiza!

Yes, I am definitely going to Ibiza, Hannah and Kat paid the deposit for me so all I have to do now is pay them back then save up for flights and then pay for the actual holiday and then save up a ridiculous amount of spending money... I definitely made the right decision quitting my French lessons.

But I can still try and learn French, I do have the Michel Thomas lessons on my laptop that I never listen to. I've never got past the first five minutes though, where a woman warns you in RP English about Michel's radical new technique. This is actually what she says:

" may be a little surprised at first... but after a few minutes, you'll become excited by Michel's totally new approach..."

Sounds a but suspicious to me. It makes me feel like Michel is going to burst in to my room and do something indescribably weird to me with his French penis. Maybe that's it, maybe that is his 'new approach' to teaching French- having crazy sex with people and afterwards you are able to say things like 'Bend me over the hotplate' and 'Please do not put the aubergine in there.'

I could even listen to Michel Thomas whilst jogging, but that kind of productivity sickens me. I think for now I'll just concentrate on the jogging. I went with this girl I met at the park called Ali who has just got a new job in the area. Ali said she's going to go jogging every Monday, Tuesday and Friday. I'm going to go with her. I feel all determined and productive. Mind you, I've felt like this once before- when I got up early to go jogging round the docks in Liverpool last June. That was the last time I went jogging, so you can understand if the Heard-It-All-Before-Me is a bit cynical of Newly-Enthused-Me. Hmm. Is it normal to have conversations with different versions of yourself?

Anyway, before we call my sanity into question, I would like to know who found my blog by typing 'i had sex with a girl while she was puking' into Google.

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