Thursday, 31 March 2011

Greedy Cake-Stealing Idiot

There is nothing like standing in front of three of your thinnest friends, plus a workman having his lunch on the other side of the patio doors, with your fat ass hanging out of an American Apparel leotard and a pair of size six jeggings stuck round your ankles, to make you feel fat.

I think I have body dysmorphia, but the opposite kind that anorexics get. When I look in the mirror I see a thinner version of the real me. I see someone who can squeeze into size six jeggings when in reality even my fat arms wouldn't fit in them.

After a lot of huffing and puffing around in Clare's wardrobe, I still have NOTHING to wear on Saturday. I know it's the experience that counts and not what you wear but still... ARGHHHHH! I was going to go shopping tomorrow morning to get some shoes, but I didn't get paid so NICE ONE. Guess I'll just go to London in my bare feet, because all of my shoes are fucked apart from my big brown boots and I can't wear my big bloody brown boots on Saturday can I?!

Oh fuck off, I don't care if everyone has bigger problems than me. I have no clean clothes and no shoes and no money. Just sent the mum of the family a text. Not a rude text, but I did tell her I NEEDED my wages today and I'm supposed to get paid on the last day of the month. I feel bad asking for my wages because I'm such a shit au pair, but how else can I buy all the mojitos I need?

It is an established fact now that I am Shit Au Pair, but it kind of works in my favour. Last week I made a quiche and the mum of the family text me saying 'Congratulations on your quiche! It was great!' and then she text me saying 'Congratulations for your little house! It is great!' when me and the little boy made a little house out of lego and we left it in the middle of the living room because we were (I was) so proud of it.

The sad thing is I can just imagine her complaining to her work colleague over lunch: 'She is just so Shit at everything. I don't know what to do.' and her work colleague will have said 'Why don't you try positive reinforcement? You know, praise her all the time and build her confidence.' The next thing you know I am being congratulated for remembering to defrost meat. No really, I got a text saying 'I saw you took meat out of the freezer for tomorrow lunch, well done, this is great!'

But life is so much easier when people think you are stupid, they don't expect as much from you and you can get away with things because it's not your fault- you are stupid. On Wednesday the mum gave me a bit of a telling off, but a nice one. She just said that when things go wrong I must tell her straight away. Like the cake for instance that was supposed to be for the oldest girl's school and I cut into it to take some slices for the after school gouter. She said that she had to run round Paris at half ten at night looking for a shop that was open so she could buy eggs to make more cake. She said 'I know it's my fault because I did not leave a note and if there is no note you will eat it. I don't care if you eat it but please you must tell me so I can make another one.'

I couldn't be arsed explaining that I didn't eat half a giant chocolate cake, that someone else had made, myself. I think it's best if they think I'm a greedy cake-stealing idiot, that way they won't be too disappointed when I inevitably fuck up or eat something I'm not supposed to. Hmm. She's not replied to my text. Maybe she is running around Paris trying to find a cash machine. I should be so lucky. I won't get my wages until tomorrow night now, by which time it will be too late to put the money- Fuck. Just got a text from her:

Yes I will. (I asked her if she could leave the money for me in the morning.)
The cleaner is coming tomorrow please can you tidy the children's bedrooms and the toy cupboard so you can play with toys in the holidays. Also do well the bed because there is a lot of dust.

Hmm. The only snag in her master plan is that I am going shopping tomorrow to buy some shoes for Saturday.

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