My friend recently pointed out that Mary Poppins didn't have any kids and neither does Supernanny. Being an au pair is the best contraceptive there is. I can't believe I used to want seven kids. (Windsong, Weather and Celandine being just three of the excellent names I had ready. Weather is for a boy, obviously.)
I have got the five year old in bed asleep, but the girls are just chilling out, drinking herbal tea, reading, having a chat about Katy Perry...
Mind you, if I was a kid and I knew that my twenty one year old babysitter would just be eating cake and looking at cool stuff on the internet, I wouldn't want to go to bed either. It's a good job they don't know what I actually do when I babysit- watch all their DVDs and eat Nutella out of the jar with a spoon.
Hmm... how can I make them go to bed? I've tried saying 'Go to bed' and they didn't, so now I'm all out of ideas. I think I'll just eat some more cake and then I'll tell them again. I want them to fuck off so I can watch Despicable Me and eat the sweets I brought. I can't eat any more of the cake because it hadn't been started when the mum left, so they will know exactly how much I have eaten. (Ah... Non-Started Food, that old enemy of the Greedy Au Pair.)
I wonder if Super Au Pair ever had this problem when babysitting? Probably not, she was Super Au Pair after all. The eleven year old has been sending her messgaes through my Facebook. Her profile is private but I can see that her profile picture is her crouched down, surrounded by wild snow leopards. Probably in Tanzania where she is helping all those orphans, bloody do-gooder. Not only she is a charity worker/action hero, but the eight year old has a passport photo of Super Au Pair on her desk and she is what non-bitter people might call 'stunning'. She has no make-up on and she's not smiling yet she still looks a bit like Jessica Alba. Many a Scouse bouncer has declared that my passport photo looks like Myra Hindley.
YES. The eight year just put herself to bed. Excellent. I'm not so bothered about the eleven year old, she is nearly twelve after all. When I was twelve I was snorting coke off the wheely bins at the back of Lidl, probably...
No, but I did have an apple Hooch when I was ten. That's pretty hardcore. Do you remember Hooch? Alcopops for tots? Mind you, I'd rather have had a Marc Jacobs bag than a bottle of Hooch. The two girls have them (MJ bags, not alcopops) and the five year old told me the other day as we walked past a man in white trousers who waved: 'He the friend de my dad. He have a bag, it Marc Jacobs.' He also points at people wearing American Apparel hoodies and says 'American Apparel!'
The sad thing is I really wanted to impress him so I said 'I have an American Apparel leotard!' but he didn't understand what a leotard was. After much miming he now thinks I have an invisible box that I carry in front of my torso, but he does think I bought it from American Apparel.