Thursday, 16 December 2010

We Meet Again

Today I went into the kitchen to cook lunch and saw four brown bananas and a pan sat on the hob with a lid on it. Sometimes the mum leaves things out to 'help' with lunchtime or dinner, so I tentatively took the lid off the pan and peered inside...

It was my old enemy, the pumpkin, stewing in his own juices, the sick bastard.

I almost felt sad to see my arch nemesis reduced to such a pathetic form ; water-logged, hacked into pieces, boiled with a stock cube and left to float all day in a salty, starchy broth of his own making. But most of all I was triumphant. I gave the bastard a poke with a wooden spoon and rang up the mother to ask what she had left it there for. She said she thought I could make soup with it...

Part of me thought 'So soon? After my pumpkin soup disaster? What makes you so sure this time will be different?' but another, even stronger part of me spoke out: "After Soupgate?! Are you fucking kidding me? These kids ain't getting soup for LONG TIME."

I didn't say it in those exact words, but the mother got my drift and said I could leave it to her to make the soup or I could purée it... Why do they want me to purée everything? When I go back to England I might buy loads of baby food and give the kids that for dinner if they like puréed veg so much.

Speaking of England...

Saturday! Can't wait, I'm going to bring back mince pies and tea bags and presents for the French children. Don't know what to get them really. I don't even know what to get my own family. I have just been buying soap and jam so it looks as though everyone’s getting that, but I have no idea really what I'm doing.

My credit card suffered a major trauma yesterday when I had to pay for a trimester of French lessons, so looks like the coke-fuelled jaunts to cocktail bars in designer heels I had planned for the holidays are off.

It’s a bit weird because I know I am going to England so I want to buy loads of things to bring back but I am only back for four days and I need to save my money for Christmas presents really. My mum said she doesn’t want ‘anything specific, but I would like a scarf from a vintage shop, with blues or greens in it’.

Only nine days til Christmas!

And on a completely unrelated note, the Portugese couple who normally keep me up all night with their insanely vocal love-making (sometimes the woman sings, I am not joking- I could hear moaning and groaning and singing and I thought 'Are they shagging or singing?' and then I realised 'Oh they are doing both') kept me up last night with their aruguing, which is just as passionate as their sexual intercourse noises. Well, really I only ever hear the woman, even when they are arguing, so maybe it is not a couple at all but just a mad woman who likes to masturbate a lot.

No but I have seen them together in the corridor and they seem nice, but part of me wants them to break up just so I don't have to listen to them argue anymore and also so I can go round and ask the guy to give me some of this mind-blowing sex his girlfriend seems to enjoy so much... seriously, I have never heard of anyone enjoying sex so much, all night, at such a volume.

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