Thursday, 2 December 2010

Quelle Horreur

I just heard someone using the toilet. I heard every sound very clearly, from the unzipping of the trousers to the ripping off a piece of toilet paper and everything in between. It was the in between bits that were the worst. If I can hear them (by 'them' I OBVIOUSLY mean him or her, not multiple unidentified people. They/them can be used to mean single person of undetermined sex, take a leap into the non-sexist modern world grammar freaks!), that means everyone can hear me when I use it. What Horror.

Yet toilet-eavesdropping is not the only horrible fact of life I've been forced to confront tonight… I was trying on outfits before for when I go and see Deadmau5 and I decided to make use of the self-timer mode on my camera. I thought I could send the pictures to my friend Kat and ask for her opinion. As my face looked so hideous post Clarins-cleanse, I wrapped a scarf around my face and head and I also had to stand on a chair to make sure I got the whole outfit in the picture. I looked at the photo after I’d taken it and realised that it looked like the photographic evidence that might be presented at a fetish-related murder trial. It was the sort of photo that would find its way onto Channel 4 News depicting the humiliating torture undergone by prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. I vaguely thought about putting the photograph on here because it is so ridiculous, but my train of thought was DERAILED when I pressed the ‘previous photo’ button and a MONSTROUS ABOMINATION popped up on the little camera screen. It was my snaggletooth! I know sometimes I can exaggerate and that some people would say I should be grateful for what I have and think of all the people who have no teeth and would give their right eye for a full set of choppers, even if it meant harbouring a snaggletooth in their gums, but there is no arguing with this photograph.

(I must warn you, don't look at it if you are eating. Don't let it put you off drinking tea. And if you find the following photograph upsetting, just think: at least you don't have to live with it!)

I think I can say with all certainty that I will Never Smile Again. From now on I'm keeping snaggletooth safely confined to the dark depths of my mouth and if I do have to smile I'll perfect a toothless smirk which will have to do until I save up enough money for the cosmetic dentistry work.

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