Wednesday, 13 October 2010

'Don't be a skivvy eating shit...'

I have had so much advice over the last couple of days, every single person has told me to get out, leave. (In fact Lauren just posted the JoJo video on my facebook wall, no explanation neccessary.)It's nice to be reminded that I have some pals out there and it cheered me up a lot. But nothing cheered me up as much as this email from my nana. I haven't edited it at all, I've just copied and pasted it:

'Well Well! I was just going to bed & checked this, so good 2 hear from U.
U R so sensible & confident & can stand tall,look them in the eye & walk tall right out their door if they dont treat U right, pay U top pay & feed U good food like U R used 2.

Dont be a skivvy eating shit & dont be talked down 2 by anyone. They wont find a scouser who dances 2 their tune no matter what they pay. Let them find a French maid 2 slave for them.
I met French arrogant sods there & elsewhere, some scousers put them in their place, belted one round the head with a big candle in Lourdes pocession, they hate the english & are noted for pushing & elbowing people, arrogant sods.
No need 2 work there. Get back here for a break & decide what 2 do. , My house is painted & comfy now, stay here U will get fed well here & cook if U want 2, money is no problem, I have plenty.
Diane was made up having U she thinks your ace & asks if Ive heard from U. Ian's just been & he & v ask if Ive heard from U. so Does Derek & Helen & even R yank & robert. I'll go their for hols soon, U can come with me also Rory & I'll pay 4 both of U.
I'm off 2 bed now & will keep checking looking 4 email from U. Reply ASAP
Take care '

Hahaha. Tempting offer, very tempting... I would LOVE to be able to jump on a plane to my nana's and dad's street (they live on the same street which causes havoc when they fall out because I have to crawl past my nana's window when I go from the bus stop to my dad's house). I could sit eating all day and then go round my dad's and eat all night. It doesn't matter what time it is at dad's house; if you want a lamb chop you can have one, even if it's four in the morning on a school night and you've been up for hours playing Duke Nukem and eating Haribo until your brain feels like it's melting.

It was so good living at my aunty's over the summer, I would come home from work and get a homemade Middle Eastern kebab complete with spices I have never even heard of... (She's not Middle Eastern by the way but she likes spices and herbs and Stuff.) And at dad's house there is always meat on the go. Whenever I go round I go straight to the kitchen to see what roasted meat there is, either left over from yesterday's dinner or cooked for that night's dinner... And I know I keep going on about food and family, but the last time I saw my nana I popped in on the way back from dad's and I told her I had to rush because I was going out and when I tried to leave she said 'But I've made us 12 Yorkshire puddings!' and she'd made a roast dinner six people and I had to eat half of it with her, well, I didn't have to...

I don't really know what the point of this post was, but I just thought my nana's email should be shared with the world. I don't think going to live in Walton to eat roast dinners for the rest of my life is the answer, although I do kind of want to go to America. By the way, I have no idea where my nana has got 'plenty of money' from, it is only fuelling my suspicions that she is Liverpool's No 1 Crimelord.

It did make me feel better though, because if it all goes to shit in the next week I know I can go back and have a few weeks of complete bliss, ferrying between my nana's and my dad's house for delicious food and all the brews and biscuits a girl could want. My mum also sent me an email of advice, which was slightly less useful:

'Phew! It's all happening isn't it?! at least yr having a bit of an adventure! I know dad is nice but they r gettin u v cheap, xx'

CHEERS. No, but I do miss my mum. I feel like I am not old enough to be living in Paris looking after young children, I should be at home being looked after by my mum... but I guess I am 21, so time to suck it up and start being a grown-up, even though it's KILLING me because all I want to do is eat and watch telly. Actually, I have talked about food a lot, maybe I have a problem. The little girl today at dinner announced to everyone that I have the FATTEST BELLY out of everyone. And she's right! I do have a Big Fat Belly.(BFB) At the moment it's a BFHB too because I didn't bring my tweezers and I'm not going to shave my belly like a mental, although an alarming number of my friends do shave their bellies, but they shall remain nameless...

So, to conclude, my options are:
-staying put and having no money and no food, but not having to move or upset anyone
-switching jobs and getting lots of money but doing lots of work
-hitting a French person over the head with a candle during the procession at Lourdes and fucking off to Liverpool to eat Yorskire puddings and lamp chops

Only when I've made my choice will I let myself worry about this Big Fat Belly I've accumulated.

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