What do you call an au pair who isn't allowed out past midnight?
O.k o.k, I need to regain my inner-zen and calmness. A midnight flit is not the answer, nor is behaving like a dirty scoundral in order to get fired and thus avoiding the whole 'I Quit' nightmare (worked in Corfu, not appropriate in Paris).
Tonight my long lost pal Lauren arrived in Paris, she is here for the year too and is the person I planned this whole adventure with last summer. I have been awaiting her arrival for weeks (well, almost three) and tonight I got the call that she was at the airport. It was half eight. I had told the family that she would be arriving at this time and although I did not make my plans concrete, there was obviously going to be some rendez-vousing.
I bounce up the mum and dad's room where they are both working with the door open, and casually let them know I will be going to meet Lauren. I apologise for the lateness even though in side I am screaming: 'It's not even late you madheads, in Liverpool there were nights when we wouldn't leave the house 'til 2am!!!'
The mum seems o.k. with it but the dad looks like I shat in his glasses and repositioned them on his face. He first tries to tell me I can't go out to meet her, which makes me so angry that I can't form words, a buzzing fills my head and the most I can comprehend is that my answer to his comment is negative, so I say NO over and over again like a loon.
He asks me what time I will be back. I say midnight and then he turns into Adamant Man, saying he has a responsibility to his children and that he will be letting them down by letting me look after them in such a tired state. I'm sorry, but EIGHT HOURS SLEEP is pretty fucking adequate when all I have to do is walk them to school and then I can sleep for six hours if need be before it is time to go and pick them up again.
I was in such a buzz fuzz of ardrenaline but I really needed a wee so I went to the loo and weeed as loudly as I could knowing they could hear me.
I was at the edge of Arguement Canyon. I could see the precipice before me; the angry ranting that would ensue, the tears that would come, the shaking of my hands, the ridiculous exaggerations I would spurt out in order to make my points...
Whilst I wiped, I decided to step back from the edge of Fightchester and teeter into Stony Silence Ville.
I walked to my bedroom and texted Lauren who told me to get on the web and look for a new family pronto.
This is the catalyst I've been waiting for, not wanting to change families merely for financial gain and an apartment of my own in case karma came a knocking. But now that I have decided it is definitely time to move on, is there anywhere to move on to? Will everything seem different in the morning and will I be undecided again? Will I be able to sleep tonight, knowing that in a parallel universe another me stealthily packs her backs and sneaks out into the dark hallway, suddenly making a run for it down the stairs as she hears a floorboard creak... I can imagine how hard my heart would be beating if that's what I was doing right now...
Instead of living out a daring escape I'm writing about what it might feel like on my blog, which makes me feel so depressed there's almost no point in getting another family, I may as well just stay here and never go out and get my thrills from sneaking secret chocolate from my knicker drawer... which reminds me!!
I think I'll go and eat some chocolate and pace about a bit. Then we shall see what tomorrow brings...