Friday, 24 September 2010

I Will Smash Your Fucking Face In

Argh! So consumed with anger and violence.

I am worried I am a danger to myself and others. Sometimes I walk around and I'm so angry that I can't hear properly because my ears are buzzing and full of pressure from my brain. I walk around having violent fantasies which normally involve someone trying to mug me and me ending up stamping on their head, or more often than not the line (said by me of course) 'I will smash your fucking face in' comes into the equation.

Obviously if I ever did try to smash somebody's face in I wouldn't be here to tell the tale but I enjoy thinking about it. I also like to think of different ways of killing scary dogs when somebody walks past with a massive scary one and they do that growling thing at the back of their throat, which means they want to shred your face up with their disgusting doggy fangs. I read an interview somewhere (I think it was the Zoo magazine that Hollie bought at the airport just for a Laugh and Joke) with Bruce Willis and he said the best way to kill a wolf is to give it your arm when it is attacking you and then shove your arm down its throat so it can't swallow and then grab hold of anything you can once your hand is inside it and pull it out of its mouth and hopefully you will have got its intestines or something.

I think this is the best option for many people, but my brother argued that you should let it bite you on the forearm and then twist your arm this way and that, knocking it into the ground and eventually unconcious. I pointed out that if you try twisting your arm with a fucking massive wolf attached to it you will probably break your arm. Then he argued that it would be difficult to get your arm down the wolf's throat if it didn't bite the right bit. Then my mum who was with us at the time said that if a wolf came along why didn't we both try out our different methods and she would run up the nearest tree and hide from it.

But I think the intestine-method would work. And whenever anybody walks past with a fucking scary dog or one of those illegal bastard dogs that eat children, all I'm thinking is 'I'm going to pull your intestines out.'

Am I mental?

My mum says this is how my dad started out being aan angry paranoid man; stomping around thinking Angry Thoughts all the time for no reason. The other day when I couldn't meet up with the au pairs I was so pissed off at the world that I was suddenly furious for no reason and when I got home I looked in the mirror and saw the face I had been pulling all day and it was so disgusting that I had to sit down and take deep breaths.

Seriously, it was such a terrifyingly ugly face and I realised I pull that expression 80% of the time. So now I know that when someone is staring at me in the street, they are not thinking nice thoughts, they are thinking 'That girl looks like she is planning to pull my dog's intestines out.'

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am so fucking pissed off. I'm writing this from the tiniest laptop in the world because my fucking laptop that I've had for two months is broken. It switches on fine but then it won't let me log in so it is completely fucking useless.

The dad came in my room in his boxers with some stickers and suggested I don't take the kids to the park after school today, instead why I don't I bring them straight home and we can play with the stickers? I know what they will say to that. They will say 'Waaaaaaaaaaaa' and I will have to drag them through the busy streets of Paris, across crossings where nobody respects the Green Man, whilst they mutter at me in French, until we finally arrive home where they will fight and not play Dominoes properly and then we will be served mixed cereals for tea and I won't even be able to go out because I've got no friends and no money and the family don't like me coming in late.

This morning the mum took the kids to school because I babysat on Tuesday night and I had a lie-in 'til 9am and the dad said 'Good Evening' to me when I got up.

I just looked at him, inside racing ahead to the part of my fantasy where I say (calmly but dangerously, like an action hero) 'I will smash your fucking face in...'

4 comments:

  1. I forgot how angry I was when I first moved to Paris. But I was definitely not as funny as you were when I was angry.

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    1. Ha it takes some getting used to! Thanks for commenting! Also, as always, thanks for reading my blog!!

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  2. You are hilarious! Or, as my French children say, you make me MDR(Morte De Rire). Not sur eif that's entirely correct, they talk fast and with their mouths full( we have grated carrot and balsamic vinegar too, seriously WTF?)Ramble over.. I'm currently working as an Au Pair as well, in Brittany though (nowhere near as exciting as Pah-ree)and your blog helps me pass l'heure..merci bien:).

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    1. Ah thanks for the lovely comment! The weird thing is, now I kind of like raped carrot (as I call it) and balsamic vinegar... just not as a main dish, people. Thanks for reading1 x

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